My Job.

The class I'm in is currently reading the last Lemony Snicket book - The End. The setting of the book so far is a desert island, pseudo-utopia, in which the facilitator is often heard to say "I don't want to force you, but..." before he gives his opinion or advice on a matter. The islanders always comply.

This is making me think about a situation in which I am somewhat of a facilitator. I wonder if the expression of desire causes the same kind of coercion as the expression of an opinion. If I am looked to as someone who provides support, guidance, and feedback...that is a damn powerful position to be put in. It almost seems as if being placed in that position causes me to have to maintain neutrality to provide the best facilitation possible. Even though I desire something different.

In the Snicket book, the facilitator advises a very spartan lifestyle for the islanders, and advises (without forcing, mind you) that almost all items that are washed ashore be tossed into a large area that harbors many treasures that the facilitator feels might cause unrest if they are allowed to be kept in the colony. Meanwhile, the facilitator frequents a secret lair in which several comfort items have found safe harbor and which he puts to use.

For myself, I am feeling like I am the one who is forced by my role as facilitator to live a spartan existence, while the person I am facilitating gets to partake in things that I desire but am bound by my weird sense of ethics to leave unexpressed. I don't feel like a martyr, and it's not pity I crave...it is just interesting how we are all bound by one thing or another. With all my heart, I want to break free of this role. I am not sure what keeps me here. Is it really the fear that my expression of desire would cause me to be less neutral? Or is it that I am using my role as facilitator as an excuse to leave desires unexpressed for fear they are not reciprical? Or is it just that I find as much satisfaction in my role as facilitator, in spite of the supression of desire, as I would in expressing desire? Perhaps it is just plain good practice for me to keep my mouth shut for once about what I want. To keep my feelings to myself, rather than spill them all over the place.

I guess either way it is best to be silent for now, until I figure it all out. After all, I wouldn't want to rock the boat.