dead end

Far away,
What was deemed to never change,
Found a rift,
Made a void at its own pace.

In a blindside ambush fight,
It all fell
At the hands
Of a mind game.

And i don't mind,
And i don't mind
To look inside your thoughts..

And i don't mind,
And i don't mind,
But i can't find my way in…

Frozen in time,
And only you and i can see the
Warning signs
Through thousands upon
Thousands of honest lines,
Dry your eyes…

Black and white's
Not always simple
As it seems.
But i will try
To make it easy
On you.

And i will, and i will,
And i will set you free

how much?

Wish you told me all the truth

So afraid to face an absolute

All the fights you had to lose

All the fear was put upon you



I found you when you were broken

Too many cracks of deceit

I will give you all i have

Just look up, break down and believe



This is the feeling, falling

So much i want to say

Show me the same emotion

Show me what's at stake

How much can you take

When you realize your fate?



Hold me now as the car lights fade

And we are dancing in the glass parade



It's just a voice inside your head

sometimes

Sometimes the last thing you want comes in first
Sometimes the first thing you want never comes
But I know that waiting is all you can do
Sometimes

original

Trying not to hope too hard
For what I want
Trying not to go too far
With all the dreaming

All the disappointment
So hard to handle
I am still in the dark
Lighting candles

Late at night I ly awake
Think I should go
Catch a train to stranger towns
Where no one knows me

Where I Stood.

I don't know what I've done
Or if I like what I've begun
But something told me to run
And honey you know me it's all or none

There were sounds in my head
LIttle voices whispering
That I should go and this should end
Oh and I found myself listening

'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cos she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood

See I thought love was black and white
That it was wrong or it was right
But you ain't leaving without a fight
And I think I am just as torn inside

'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cos she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood

And I won't be far from where you are if ever you should call
You meant more to me than anyone I ever loved at all
But you taught me how to trust myself and so I say to you
This is what I have to do

'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cos she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood
Oh, she who dares to stand where I stood

keep the faith, keep your faith.

I can almost see it
That dream I'm dreaming but
There's a voice inside my head sayin,
You'll never reach it,
Every step I'm taking,
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking but I
Got to keep trying
Got to keep my head held high

There's always going to be another mountain
I'm always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes I'm gonna to have to lose,
Ain't about how fast I get there,
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

The struggles I'm facing,
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes they knock me down but
No I'm not breaking
I mean I know it
But these are the moments that
I'm going to remember most yeah
Just got to keep going
And I,
I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on,

There's always going to be another mountain
I'm always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes I'm gonna to have to lose,
Ain't about how fast I get there,
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

There's always going to be another mountain
I'm always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes you going to have to lose,
Ain't about how fast I get there,
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

Keep on moving
Keep climbing
Keep the faith baby
It's all about
It's all about
The climb
Keep the faith
Keep your faith

SOOOOO...

as far as I know....











I PASSEDDDDDDD!!! :)

T minus 8 Hours..

Gasp.












Please Lord, help me to do well, and help me to be able to have the opportunity to change these children's lives. I know I've said I don't want this, but I do, I really do, and I realize that now. Please don't let it be too late. I love You. I need You. Now and for all the days of my life. Thank you Lord, for everything. You've blessed me beyond measure. Amen.

Cry

If anyone asks
I'll tell them we both just moved on
When people all stare
I'll pretend that I don't hear them talk
Whenever I see you
I'll swallow my pride and bite my tongue
Pretend I'm okay with it all
Act like there's nothing wrong

Is it over yet
Can I open my eyes
Is this as hard as it gets
Is this what it feels to really cry?
Cry

If anyone asks
I'll tell them we just grew apart
Yet what do I care if they believe me or not
Whenever I feel your memory is breaking my heart
I'll pretend I'm okay with it all
Act like there's nothing wrong

Is it over yet
Can I open my eyes
Is this as hard as it gets
Is this what it feels to really cry?
Cry

I'm talking in circles
I'm lying
They know it
Why won't this just all go away?

Is it over yet
Can I open my eyes
Is this as hard as it gets
Is this what it feels to really cry?
Cry

I WANT YOU!

Hot temper, with the shortest fuse, you're,
Such a mess, with an attitude, you
Broken heart, but you're --------, you
Never talk, if you don't have to
You, have a job, but you hate the man who,
Takes it all like Uncle Sam

I want
You, you, you,
You, you, you, you
I, I, I, I, I
I want you

Out of gas, so you walk for miles, to
pick me up, in your worn out shoes, you
never settle, never take too much, you
count on me, just like I count on you

Kiss me,
Like when I first saw you
Figured out, couldn't be without you

You, you, you,
You, you, you, you
I, I, I, I, I
I want you
I want you, you, you
You, you, you, you
I, I, I, I, I, I
I want you

No one else will do,
I want, no one makes me smile
I want, no one gets me how
I want, no one else is
You, you, you
I want you, you, you
You, you, you, you
I, I, I, I, I, I
I want you
I want you, you, you
You, you, you, you
I, I, I, I, I, I
I want you

You're so hot tempered,
With the shortest fuse,
You're such a mess,
and with an attitude

You, you, you,
you, you, you, you
I, I, I, I, I
I want you
I want you, you, you
You, you, you, you
I, I, I, I, I, I
I want, I want, I want, I want

No one else will do,
I want, no one makes me smile
I want, no one gets me how
I want, no one else is
You, you, you
I want you, you, you
You, you, you, you
I, I, I, I, I, I
I want you

You and me walking together
Screwing up, for worse, or for better

You, you, you,
You, you, you, you
I, I, I, I, I
I want you

save you

I can tell,
I can tell,
How much you hate this.
Deep down inside,
You know it's killing me.
I can call, wish you well,
And try to change this.
But nothing I can say,
Would change anything.

Where were my senses?
I left them all behind.
Why did I turn away?

I wish I could save you.
I wish I could say to you,
I'm not going nowhere.
I wish I could say to you,
It's gonna be alright.

I didn't mean,
Didn't mean,
To leave you stranded.
Went away cause I,
Didn't want to face the truth.
Reaching out,
Reach for me,
Empty handed.
You don't know if I care.
You're trying to find the proof.

There were times I'd wonder,
Could I have eased your pain?
Why did I turn away?

We can pretend nothings changed.
Pretend it's all the same.
And there will be no pain,
Tonight.
It's gonna be alright.

if no one will listen

Maybe no one told you there is strength in your tears
And so you fight to keep from pouring out
But what if you unlock the gate that keeps your secret soul
Do you think there's enough that you would drown?

If no one will listen
If you decide to speak
If no one's left standing after the bombs explode
If no one wants to look at you
For what you really are
I will be here still
I will be here still

No one can take you where you alone must go
There's no telling what you will find there
And, God, I know the fear that eats away at your bones
It's screaming every step, "Just stay here"


If no one will listen
If you decide to speak
If no one's left standing after the bombs explode
If no one wants to look at you
For what you really are
I will be here still
I will be here still

If you find your fists are raw and red from beating yourself down
If your legs have given out under the weight
If you find you've been settling for a world of gray
So you wouldn't have to face down your own hate

If no one will listen
If you decide to speak
If no one's left standing after the bombs explode
If no one wants to look at you
For what you really are
I will be here still
I will be here still

impossible

Just woke up and thought I'd try
Try to step across the line
You know that I've been thinking 'bout it for a while
Yeah
Starting to think it's time I leave
Does me good to know I finally feel
Feel this pain, it's real, it's possible

(You say)
Can't change the winds you say
Won't matter anyway
Can't reach that far
Cause it's impossible
Can't rise above this place
Won't change enough, so I pray
Breaking down the walls to the impossible

Walking by myself I know
This lonely road's becoming my new home
but I don't stop
I just keep moving on, and on
Ain't no need to dry my eyes
I haven't cried in quite some time
Everyday I fight it,
You know it's possible

(You say)
Can't change the winds you say
Won't matter anyway
Can't reach that far
Cause it's impossible
Can't rise above this place
Won't change enough, so I pray
Breaking down the walls to the impossible

Someone tell me
Why it's so hard taking chances
You draw the line and think
That I won't ask for more
Yeah
I will stumble and I make my own mistakes
Yeah
but I won't worry about it anymore
It's impossible

Can't change the winds you say
Won't matter anyway
Can't reach that far
Cause it's impossible
Can't rise above this place
Won't change enough, so I pray
Breaking down the walls to the impossible
Breaking down the walls to the impossible

It's impossible to you
Not impossible to me
Not impossible for me
Can't rise above this place
Won't change enough so I pray
Breaking down the wall to the impossible

Just woke up and thought I'd try
Try to step across the line

incredible.

Heartbeat cold sweat thoughts slipping under
Can't fight no threat cause there's just no use
One look, no hesitation
I'm slipping into you

Forgive these eyes these lips you're tasting
No time to waste on an invitation
My shame my self control has suffered enough
Everybody wants to be loved

Failed.

My entire future career lies on Monday morning, at 10:00.


It will be the defining moment.



Fingers crossed. If I don't get it, I don't know what I'm going to do. Ah!

Have You Ever?

Ever given up on something?

Ever thought you'd lost?

Ever wondered what happened?

Ever wondered "what if"?

Ever had your heart stop?

I have.

It was tonight. And it made my day.

Told You So.

Here is the beginning of my post. And here is the rest of it. Apparently they have this omniscient view, and everything is going to be just fine. Hell, I could have told you that, but it doesn't help right now. Have to also mention that when people aren't in the best of places, it usually means they're not being rational, it goes with the territory. It doesn't mean that you can tell them it's 'bullshit'.

*breathes* ok I've had my rant.

Yesterday I had to get rid of a very unhealthy aspect of my life, and also a (seemingly) very large part of my life. I now realize this isn't quite correct (the whole 'irrational thoughts' idea was more than just an idea). It's easy when you don't see it around you, and it isn't there to remind you just how sick you were feeling.

Day Two into the "I'm going to get better" plan, it decides to show up. Generally, this is where I convince myself I can handle it, and it won't be that bad 'this time'. Seems like a test. Am I going to stick to my guns? Am I going to see if I can handle it? How are you going to react to this situation? Are you going to be pro-active in this situation?

Well, yes, I stuck to my guns. I can handle it. I didn't react and I was proactive in making me feel good about where I'm going.

Why do we allow other people to affect how we're going to live? Why is it that people's perception of us can turn out far more important than how we see or treat ourselves? How much should other people's views of us affect us? Should they affect us at all?

Well, they shouldn't really. There is the 'socially acceptable' behavior which we all try to employ but there are also the people in our lives that shape who we are. The people who are most prominent tend to have the biggest effect, (parents, friends we grow up with, teachers, relatives) sometimes though, there are people who walk in, and out, that leave footprints. (I'm sure you've read the poem) It comes across as though they are talking about a friend, but who are we kidding? Would a real friend seriously walk out?

The people that leave the footprints are the ones that affected us, that made us realize we can't keep doing what we're doing. So we change, we become stronger, we give ourselves a mental note not to repeat that behavior.

Why do we allow other people to affect how we're going to live?
We choose to.

Memo to Self:

You've changed.
Something's different.
It's not the same person staring back at you in the mirror.
Your eyes are talking.
Can't catch what they're saying.
But you can hear them.
You look older, but not old.
Different, but the same.
Like someone else, but you're still you.
I think you're growing up.

I don't know what to do with that.
But I like it.

It's a Beautiful Lie.

In light of recent events and conversations. This poem ran through my fingers before I had time to think about it.

What ever is going on now.

Will change.

While you think you'll be the same person.

You won't.

It won't take long.

Only a couple of years or so.

People will see you differently.

Treat you differently.

Think of you differently.

Whatever hassles you now.

Will fade.

Whatever you love now.

May not be so lovely then.

The things you look forward to now may be faint memories then.

The arguments you had now will be long forgotten then.

Now hurts.

Now burns.

Now changes.

Becomes then.

cold shoulder

You say it's all in my head
And the things I think just don't make sense
So where you been then? Don't go all coy
Don't turn it round on me like it's my fault
See I can see that look in your eyes
The one that shoots me each and every time

You grace me with your cold shoulder
Whenever you look at me I wish I was her
You shower me with words made of knives
Whenever you look at me I wish I was her

These days when I see you
You make it look like I'm see-through
Do tell me why you waste our time
When your heart ain't in it, and you're not satisfied
You know I know just how you feel
I'm starting to find myself feeling that way too

When you grace me with your cold shoulder
Whenever you look at me I wish I was her
You shower me with words made of knives
Whenever you look at me I wish I was her

Time and time again, I play the role of fool
(Just for you)
Even in the daylight when you think that
(I don't see you)
Try to look for things I hear but our eyes never find
'Though I do know how you play

You grace me with your cold shoulder
Whenever you look at me I wish I was her
You shower me with words made of knives
Whenever you look at me I wish I was her

that wasss...

Today is soon to be Friday.

This is a good thing.

After today is out, I can leave.

I don't have to think about work.

I can relax.

I can soak up the sun.

I can get refreshed.

I can buy some new joggers and walk the beach.

I can drink some nice wine.

I can see a movie.

I can go for a drive to who knows where.

I can escape here.

Until I get back.

Then I start over.

Implement choices.

Follow up on decisions.

Start acting.

Rather than reacting.

I can be who I want.

I can do what I want.

I owe no one anything.

I have to learn that.

Fast.

FUN, FUN

The purpose of this is to bold the ones you've done. I'm going one better and *italicizing* those I'd like to do as well.

01. Bought everyone in the bar a drink
02. Swam with dolphins
03. Climbed a mountain
04. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive
05. Been inside the Great Pyramid
06. Held a tarantula
07. Taken a candlelit bath with someone
08. Said "I love you" and meant it
09. Hugged a tree
10. Bungee jumped
11. Visited Paris
12. Watched a lightning storm at sea
13. Stayed up all night long and saw the sun rise
14. Seen the Northern Lights
15. Gone to a huge sports game
16. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa
17. Grown and eaten your own vegetables
18. Touched an iceberg
19. Slept under the stars
20. Changed a baby's diaper
21. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon
22. Watched a meteor shower
23. Gotten drunk on champagne
24. Given more than you can afford to charity
25. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
26. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
27. Had a food fight
28. Bet on a winning horse
29. Asked out a stranger
30. Had a snowball fight
31. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can
32. Held a lamb
33. Seen a total eclipse
34. Ridden a roller coaster
35. Hit a home run
36. Danced like a fool and didn't care who was looking
37. Adopted an accent for an entire day
38. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment
39. Had two hard drives for your computer
40. Visited all 50 states
41. Taken care of someone who was drunk
42. Had amazing friends
43. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country
44. Watched whales
45. Stolen a sign
46. Backpacked in Europe (planned)
47. Taken a road-trip
48. Gone rock climbing
49. Taken a midnight walk on the beach
50. Gone sky diving
51. Visited Ireland
52. Been heartbroken longer than you were actually in love
53. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger's table and had a meal with them
54. Visited Japan
55. Milked a cow
56. Alphabetized your CDs
57. Pretended to be a superhero
58. Sung karaoke
59. Lounged around in bed all day
60. Played touch football
61. Gone scuba diving (snorkling.)
62. Kissed in the rain
63. Played in the mud
64. Played in the rain
65. Gone to a drive-in theatre
66. Visited the Great Wall of China
67. Started a business
68. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken
69. Toured ancient sites
70. Taken a martial arts class
71. Played DDR for more than 6 hours straight
72. Gotten married
73. Been in a movie
74. Crashed a party
75. Gotten divorced
76. Gone without food for 5 days
77. Made cookies from scratch
78. Won first prize in a costume contest
79. Ridden a gondola in Venice
80. Gotten a tattoo
81. Rafted the Snake River
82. Been on a television news program as an "expert"
83. Gotten flowers for no reason
84. Performed on stage
85. Been to Las Vegas
86. Recorded music
87. Eaten shark
88. Kissed on the first date
89. Gone to Thailand
90. Bought a house
91. Been in a combat zone
92. Buried one/both of your parents
93. Been on a cruise ship
94. Spoken more than one language fluently
95. Performed in Rocky Horror
96. Raised children
97. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour
98. Passed out cold
99. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country
100. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over
101. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge
102. Sang loudly in the car, and didn't stop when you knew someone was looking
103. Had plastic surgery
104. Survived an accident that you shouldn't have survived
105. Wrote articles for a large publication
106. Lost over 100 pounds
107. Held someone while they were having a flashback
108. Piloted an airplane
109. Touched a stingray
110. Broken someone's heart
111. Helped an animal give birth
112. Won money on a TV game show
113. Broken a bone
114. Gone on a photo safari
115. Had a facial part pierced other than your ears
116. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol
117. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild
118. Ridden a horse
119. Had major surgery
120. Had a snake as a pet
121. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
122. Slept for 30 hours in a 48 hour period
123. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. States
124. Visited all 7 continents
125. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
126. Eaten kangaroo meat
127. Eaten sushi
128. Had your picture in the newspaper
129. Changed someone's mind about something you care deeply about
130. Gone back to school
131. Para sailed
132. Touched a cockroach
133. Eaten fried green tomatoes
134. Read The Iliad and The Odyssey
135. Selected one "important" author who you missed in school, and read
136. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
137. Skipped all your school reunions
138. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language
139. Been elected to public office
140. Written your own computer language
141. Thought to yourself that you're living your dream
142. Had to put someone you love into hospice care
143. Built your own PC from parts
144. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn't know you
145. Had a booth at a street fair
146. Dyed your hair
147. Been a DJ
148. Shaved your head
149. Caused a car accident
150. Saved someone's life

Feel free to ask a question about any of the bolded! You all should do this, it's rather enjoyable!

Who ARE You?

1 - Who are you now?
2 - How are you different?
3 - Would you be friends with your old self?

I'm an explosive, creative character. I don't hide my feelings, I am in a constant state of change, I have experienced things I thought were years away. I do things because I can, I have a "why not" attitude. I don't care what people think, which is mostly true, but there are a number of exceptions.

My outlooks have changed, my priorities have changed, some things have dropped off the radar, other things are surprisingly important.

I'm not sure if the Now Me, would be friends the Then Me. Actually, I think it's the other way around. The Then Me, wouldn't be friends with the Now Me. My character is a little more...robust.

My old self was reliable, she made an effort, she was a good student, daughter and friend. But, she was rather shut off, had preconceptions about things and wouldn't really listen, or look to understand. She's not like that so much these days.

So what happened?

Things change, environments change. Your influences are no longer, your parents, teachers and friends. It's now colleagues, new friends and society. You get more responsibility, the group of people you know are are from all over the city/world, they have different backgrounds, they have different influences.

You can no longer say whatever you feel like (which has become customized to your school audience), you have to be more selective. More people will disagree with you, and they'll let you know it too. You will have to have facts to back up your arguments.

You make decisions, the outcome not being what you expected, and you have to deal with it. You hear the world differently, you see things you've not seen before, even though they've been there. How you react to these, this creates the new you.

It's all yours now, you are in complete control. You are not being dictated to about where to be and when, how you are to behave. These are all your decisions. If you don't show up to work, your choice, but you also have to deal with consequences.

So, I'll ask again

Who are you now?
How are you different from the you that attended your high school?
Would you be friends with your old self?
What do you like about your old self?
What do you dislike about your old self?

The Night LIFE.

The night has an interesting way of taking over.

She slips her fingers in under the sun, and pulls him away to another world.

She glows with a self-assured grin, lighting up the night sky with her cheeky face.

She encourages the lights so they glow brighter than they should.

She takes the colors of the sea, recreating them as the bright lights of city life.

The roads light up, lit by eyes that guide your way home.

What would your friends say about you?

I often wonder how I'm perceived, by friends, by colleagues, by management, by parents. I know how I act, what I say, how I (think I) say things and how I think people see me.

I have flaws (well, duh), but I can acknowledge them too. Sometimes I think people mistake some traits for others, seeing me in a way I didn't think possible. But I would love to get into the minds of my friends (and that's you) to see what I can do to improve me.

Life is about change, it's a good exercise to just open up the door to let it all in. Filter through it all, accept the compliments and note what you're going to do about the improvements.

I can never be you. So, what would you say?

Open?

How do you react to new things? Do you find out more about them before you make a call? Do you try them out? Do you say "oh, ok" & leave it at that?

If you’re happy to give new things a go, does that make you open, or easily influenced?

I find I'm really open to new things. I'm like anyone else, I'll judge on appearance (come on, who are we kidding if we say we don't?). But, my redeeming factor is that when I'm given an opportunity, I'll always try & get to know more about the person, what they like, don't like, favorites & things like that. There are particular things that I will make a point of trying, especially if I've not heard of it before & it intrigues me, the most obvious thing being music.

........... I've started this paragraph about 6 times (give or take a few) & I can't seem to expand on that second sentence.

So answer me this if you wouldn't mind.....

If you’re more than happy to give new things a go, does that make you open, or easily influenced?

Find Yourself IN YOU.

She never thought that she would
Get her second chance
Running so far from all she's ever known
Convinced she's lost all meaning
Where did her dreams go
Still she knew that there was something more

Don't be scared, there's someone there
To say these words you need to hear

Don't let anybody tell you who you are (who you are)
It's okay to let go, you're that shooting star (shooting star)
Remember all you wished for
Believe it will be true
You will never find yourself anywhere else,
find yourself in you

Sometimes people tell you
Be like me to fit in
Do you know your identity is not in them

Don't be scared there's someone there
To say these words you need to hear

Why should I measure the world
By someone else's design
Oh I won't let this fly by
Hey look over here I just found the real me
Now it's your turn to see
Now it's your turn to see

my life.

I like what I have, and love what I lose.

...exit.

Sometimes... you're not the only one that's been in a situation before.

Sometimes... they can word it better than you can.

Sometimes... you're just being silly.

Sometimes... the emotion isn't quite that strong.

Sometimes... you're smitten.

Sometimes... you wish the problem would disappear.

Sometimes... you can't tell the difference.

Sometimes... you know you're getting carried away.

Sometimes... you're just plain stupid.

Sometimes... you think you know what's going to happen.

Sometimes... you know you don't.

Sometimes... you can't help it.

Sometimes... life happens.

Eventually I'll convince myself it's all wrong.

I have to.

Self Love.

This needs to be said. Needs to be written.

Men/Women/Partners do not define you.

Your happiness does not depend on what you have.

It depends on you.

It depends on whether you are happy with who you are & what you stand for.

Until you can stand in front of a mirror, completely naked, and consider yourself beautiful (inside & out) will you be able to find someone worth keeping.

EVERYONE has flaws.

You can pick yourself to pieces. Go ahead. Don't like my thighs, my tummy, my arms. (These are all mine)

Where does it get you?

No where. By the end of it, you just feel miserable.

If all you do is look in the mirror and see the flaws, the only information you brain is getting is negative thoughts. If you don't like you, why should anyone else?

If you don't like your weight - lose it. If you're not willing to put in the effort to lose it, then learn to love it. I have bones, I have boobs & I have a caboose. I'd rather have all of those & the curves that go with it, than be super, duper skinny.

Your flaws make you, you.

When you look in the mirror, stop looking at all the flaws. Stop hating yourself.

Look at yourself as a whole person, that's how the world sees you. That's how the world loves you.

It's just waiting for you to LOVE YOU too!

Until you do (sorry to break it to you) you're going to struggle to find someone else who will.

I honestly can't say it enough.

When you realize how perfect you are, just like that, the partner you so desperately wanted may just drop by. What you may also find, is that when you do eventually love you, that longing for a partner might disappear.

Don't think "Oh how would you know?"

I've been there, and after a number of mind altering occurrences, I turned into this me.

And I like me.

Now it's your turn.

my broken-heart.

And I never wanted anything from you

Except everything you had
And what was left after that too.

Leave all your love and your loving behind you

Can’t carry it with you if you want to survive.

gone. away.

Leaving today, so why don't you care...
I am afraid, I am afraid...

Tonight...
I'm running away tonight...
Tonight...I am.

So far away, say what you say,
I am afraid, I'm so afraid...

Tonight...
I'm running away tonight...
Tonight...I am.

Throwin' all my calls away,
You don't need me, you don't need me
Drink at night and sleep all day,
Well I don't need you, I don't need you
I drove on every interstate,
You don't need me, you don't need me...
Well anyways, yeah anyways,
It's over, over, over, over now...

Tonight...
I'm running away tonight...
Tonight...I am.

perfect circles

Circles.

Perfect circles surround me.

Circling and surrounding. Encircling. Swirling.

In perfect symphony.

Harmony.

As is Love. Perfect. Complete.

Encircling and enjoining.

All that is good.

Following and being followed.

Turning. And turning. Whirling. In ecstasy. In remembrance. In Love.

Turning. Circling. Being circled.

Overwhelming and being overwhelmed.

Emotions circling me. Surrounding me. Making my head spin. Turning. Whirling.

Spinning out of control. My control.

Surrender. Surrendering complete Trust in the Love.

For the Love and Pleasure of the One Beloved.

But Trust Me, Put on the Sunscreen.

Don’t worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday.
Do one thing every day that scares you.

Sing.

Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts, don’t put up with people who are reckless with yours.

Floss.

Don’t waste your time on jealousy; sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes you’re behind. The race is long, and in the end, it’s only with yourself.

Remember compliments you receive, forget the insults; if you succeed in doing this, tell me how.
Keep your old love letters, throw away your old bank statements.
Stretch.

Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don’t.

Get plenty of calcium.

Be kind to your knees, you’ll miss them when they’re gone.

Maybe you’ll marry, maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll have children, maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll divorce at 40, maybe you’ll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary.

Whatever you do, don’t congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself, either. Your choices are half chance, so are everybody else’s. Enjoy your body, use it every way you can. Don’t be afraid of it, or what other people think of it, it’s the greatest instrument you’ll ever own.

Dance. Even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room.
Read the directions, even if you don’t follow them.

Do NOT read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly.

Get to know your parents, you never know when they’ll be gone for good.
Be nice to your siblings; they are your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.
Understand that friends come and go, but for the precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography in lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young.
Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard; live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.

Travel.

Accept certain inalienable truths, prices will rise, politicians will philander, you too will get old, and when you do you’ll fantasize that when you were young prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders.

Respect your elders.

Don’t expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund, maybe you'll have a wealthy spouse; but you never know when either one might run out.

Don’t mess too much with your hair, or by the time you're 40, it will look 85.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it’s worth.

Life Lessons

We are told, pretty early on in life.. that life is a reel of lessons.. but its only once we begin to play the script out that we can really grasp some semblance of what this might mean..

Lessons in patience and tolerance, compassion, forgiveness, overcoming anger and resentment and guilt and shame and all that may be categorized under self-defeating or self-deprecating emotions. The theory is overwhelming. The practical detail even more so. But we trudge on, making the most of the human experience.. wondering doe-eyed in suspense, at what lies just around the corner, and all the while trusting implicitly in the Will of the Divine. We live, and we learn.

Keep breathing. Everything else is a bonus!

The Road Less-Traveled.

Its unimaginable at any stage that one might assume anything linear about life. Life is many things. And even though ones perception might engage a road ahead with blinkers on, the reality remains multi-dimensional and filled with approaches and influences, bouncing back and fro like a rubberized object of some thought-out game of strategy that almost always disperses a number of surprises ahead of time. Inevitably the plan is constantly altered. A flexible dynamic, misleading the misled. The challenge of reinvention is a constant threat to complacency. That is, of course, unless we blindly choose to ignore it. Then complacency is a bitter transition to self-destruction on a road of broken-spirited disappointment, fear, pain and anger.

The reward at the end of it all is a mangled soul carried up to absolutely any heaven other than the hell of a time on earth.

Unless the road is a less-traveled one.

Then, the traveller can rest at a destiny sweeter than the most heightened soul can construe!

LET ME CRY!

Let Me Cry...

Let my heart overflow with all that it has collected

over these months and years...

Let these Tears wash ashore the wretched debris;

This Shipwreck, a Burden that gorges at Life in the Ocean of my Heart.

Let it Go!

Let me cry so that I can let it all go.

Let my tears free me from this anguish

of holding on to nothing,

expecting to find none.

Let me Let Go.

the invitation

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.

It doesn't interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life's betrayals or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain. I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it, or fade it or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own, if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, to be realistic, to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself; if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul; if you can be ... trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see beauty, even when its not pretty, everyday, and if you can source your own life from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand on the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, "Yes!"

It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up, after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done to feed the children.

It doesn't interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back.

It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied.

I want to know what sustains you, from the inside, when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.

Different, NO!

He asked me the question again tonight..
If I am fulfilled in my life..
And I thought no.
Same question as before, when I also thought no.
But it was a no from thinking
i should trudge on.
It was a no from reading rhetoric
where there should be none.
It was a no because i thought he wanted more for me
and it was a no to make me
more!
Same question
Same worded answer
Different me
Different reason
Different meaning
Different oh-so-very not the same
No. Because now I know.
Me. Fulfilled, is to be me, in me,
with me
as me.
Just me.

A World Devoid

In a complex turn of life’s events,
my over simplification becomes a rebellion.
Or a long-forgotten project of denial.
Fanaticism is rather more the color-filled option
of a ranting raving brain
confused and twisted
by the revealing similes
making silken fabric of glorified threads.

Roller ride batter-y.
And a play enacted on the drama
of nonplussed peoples
walking the matrix of the mundane,
trying hard to work a plan of persuasion;
hoping against hope
that the audience will partake
rather blindly to applaud
and be awed by the emptiness.

Scripts unwritten and words unsaid
do nothing to alleviate
the lividness
of gray and bland and tasteless.
People smile and continue
to show fake appreciations
where there should be none.

Feeling nothing,
they keep on moving towards the abyss.
Feeling abysmal
they continue toward nothingness.

Little matters in a world devoid of meaning.

out of sight.

Light and Darkness,
Love and Fear,
Expectations and Disappointments
Belief and Disbelief..

These are all part of the perfect circularity of life..

And we whirl in ecstasies and agonies of choice, all the while drowning deeper in the sensual whirlpool of destiny :)

And in the interplay of light and dark,
the colors mesmerize us, entice us, beguile us
and we blend and melt into the mix, to be one with all of existence.
The Universe. Eternity. In the image of His Beautiful Creation.
And we surrender, only then, to all that Love can be.

Through the looking glass

I feel like Alice..
looking through the looking glass..
I see you but do you see me?
You see you

I don't even see me
Just you

I feel like Alice..
inside this looking glass.. looking through this looking glass
looking out from my glassy box
shiny things and sunshiny bits
blinding me

seeing out to the great big world
seeing only you

not me

searching for you
and finding only me

inside the looking glass
trapped

alone
with me
myself
and
i

once more..

Once more,
Love is pouring down my ceiling
and my walls.
Once more,
the lion of Love is revealing its
deadly claws
and my deer-like heart is thirsting for blood.
Once more, it's the night of the full moon,
it is time for madness.
All my immense knowledge
cannot help me now.

Déjà vu

This is all too creepy, this déjà vu. this sense of dread..

the paranoid makes placid putty of me

and then theres that nagging memory from
further down the garden path.. moving backwards
along a sloping memory

of that time when there was some amount of innocence
and trust

and silly plainness.. unexplored potential
unencumbered losses

and just plain old fashioned
love

that made one keep the petal from that
oddly shaped flower without a name

and the make-shift ring from
a can of some or other
fizzy drink

and the little scribbled notes
on the back of
shoddy bits of posters
stubbornly holding onto
asbestos walls
that struggle
to this day to shrug them off.

Its time to let them go, no?

half and half makes one.

half on the edge and half in the depths of the ocean,
is the life to be lived of freedom

half, basking in the glory of eternal sunshine,
half, drowning in the splendor of the divine beauty of life..

half and half for wholeness

half and another, for completion.

just half at a time, but altogether finishing the circle,
making it whole, and complete..

full of promise..
and perfection

in His image, as was intended all along.

pearls of elation

Theres pure elation in these pearls of thought, and a rush every now and again in tribute to that flickering smile that captivates her.. makes her heart STOP!.. and then has to trudge onward through the journey, pushing slushy circulation through its arterial routes, in the hope that they might cross paths again.

What delightful wickedness is this play of light and dark and joy and fear and hope and oh-so-many baubles of deluded discovery. And for how long will this last?

Theres answers in the asking.. of mortality. And finiteness. And a comment on being human. And frail. And fickle. And silly. And incredible. And comment on creating that masterpiece called life.

An art. Without skill. Just hope. Silly hope. And nothing else.

And glowing smiles to make it all pretty and scenic on the path to who knows where.

And a string of semi-precious pearls of elation, of course.

The Meaning Behind Walls

A dear friend visited over this weekend past. And if anyone ever thought that slumber parties are reasons to vent about trivialities, I can attest to the simple truth that theres great and valuable growth in honoring what may seem like something worth overlooking (or too much 'work' to deal with). Or too time-consuming to engage with. An important observation that I have made is that some of the most independent individuals amongst us are guarded in the way we manage our relationships. We seem to feel the need to protect ourselves. And so then this highlights the primary contradiction of what independence presupposes. Or does it? We painstakingly build walls, brick by chosen brick, layer by layer, until one day the sunlight struggles to get in. And then breathing becomes difficult. And we do this. We make these irrational choices to separate and engage in the dance of contradiction and fail to live authentically. And then we wonder about this pursuit of happiness, when we clearly fail to see it hovering right in front of us, we fail to acknowledge its divine presence inside of us, and we choose to not honor that this relationship with life is to be appreciated with conscious engagement and not the go-with-the-flow mentality of dead fish.

So then why do we do this? Why do we respond with defensiveness, live with bottled resentments created out of situations we dont always have control over, and then nurse wounds made of self-defeating guilt and regret? Is there a choice implied in the ability to respond to something said or done? And if so, why do we choose to struggle through it? Interesting that we inflict pain when joy is within our reach and waiting to be embraced. Perhaps its easier said. But then theres still that choice. We were not always critical, judgmental, brutal or filled with victim rhetoric. I look at my niece at the age of one, and she is filled with enthusiasm about life, as she most certainly should be! And I look around at the people, at times including myself, who have forgotten that zest and wonder for all things possible. Everyday magic. And the gratitude in knowing that divine inspiration is an eternal river. It just takes wanting to refill your cup at anytime.

And those walls need to go. Theres a fine line between caution and paranoia. Or pre-empting disaster based on what's behind. The future has the innocence of a child's smile. Taste it!

Life is a tangible fiction

Sometimes, life's greatest fictions occur in front of our eyes. Other times, they're stories told to us over camp fires, revealing the hopes and fears of their orators. Some are carved into the pages of ornate classics; others are splashed across the headlines of the media or spray-painted onto the digitized walls of the big screen.
Whether they're oral or in some or other form of the visual or sensual, words and images evoke emotion and memory. They link us to a time when we also felt those things implied by them: fear, sadness, helplessness, elation, ecstasy, hate. And so runs this multi-colored thread of humanity and insanity. Life is a tangible fiction, really. We make it up as we go along, all the while relying on the raw material box of odds and ends we're given at the beginning, adding the stuff that we pick up along the way, and stealing and borrowing bits and bobs too. Its what makes us plain human. We rely on instinct to survive. We beg, borrow and steal. We use intellect to plan, plot and maraud. Then we dig deep down into that spiritual core to look for redemption, contentment, and a ticket to the paradise of enlightenment and a hoped for full realization of all that we are.

I listen to stories every day. Ask someone what their name means, and a story unfolds. Its happy. Its sad. Its somewhat bittersweet. Or its just nothing.

Then, there's stories that are overtly exaggerated in their intent. Stories that carry with them an energy that makes you feel like you're listening to the diatribe of someone whose life lacks lust re. An addict of victim hood. A virtuous complaints agent. Someone wanting to irately dump their hot potato on your lap. That energy overrides your own, blocks your flow of inspiration and makes you want to say: 'Stop!'

Until you retreat to the cave in your mind. Silence. Then the realization dawns. The simple human drama's that manifest in every persons mind and life, are resemblant of some of your own. We mirror each other on this journey. Either by way of learning a lesson we may not have been able to in the past, or in preparation for a forthcoming event. Or maybe its just part of our collection of data to do as we please with. Or not.

But then, there's some stories that, no matter how much you'd rather not hear them, they keep coming back to you. Grating, like sandpaper to your skin, they retell themselves...They emerge in your dreams and add salt to your food. And just when you think you've read the end credits, they start all over in someone else's words...

love is the tool of healing

Self-doubt is probably one of the most disastrous of man-made devices ever built. I imagine that it was first designed on some malfunctioning unit of human being, ready only to self-destruct or render itself to smithereens due to not liking the game being played. And so, the psyche beleaguered, wrought the addition of a grand mutation in this form. Human beings were designed for love and Love. In no particular order. Love Creator and love creation. Simple as that. So then why oh why do we complicate matters so? Self-doubt questions worth. Diminished self-worth questions being. And purpose. We fail to see the divinity inherent in being part of that great thread of soul energy. Because thats all that we are. Energy. We are refueled by compassion, appreciation, and love. We are drained by self-doubt. Fear, pain, resentment, anger. All are children of self-doubt. Why do I keep harping on about this one icky little word? Its because by implication, doubting self causes a pain that is self-inflicted. And pain translates into anger. Self-processed. So theres no room for victim hood here. We're able to make the conscious choice. A pro activeness is required in being able to undo the self-flagellation tactics. Fear is the weapon of self-destruction... and it follows then, that Love is the tool of Healing...

A River Runs Through

I am chatting to a dear friend; and we're discussing love, life and relationships; toothpasty* kinda talk... nothing unique or unheard of, but forever enticing of reflection.

And so I said something and the advice was: 'Don't Change. Stay who you are.'

Aah. Words are strange things. Acknowledgment from friends means so much of course; but let's be totally honest: Change is inevitable. Sometimes fundamental things change, and other times its little nuances that may not show.

Life moves through us, and changes us... Just like a river moves by banks and towns, replenishing and feeding; bringing along with the tide, it's flood of enthusiasm and sometimes leaving destruction in it's wake.

I wonder, if we had to map out a canvas of these changes... what on earth would it look like?

Will it be filled with color, streaks running down in the dance with gravity's pull? Or will it be adorned with something natural, wholesome and felt; textured by the seasons, tarnished by the rust and glowing with days of eternal sunshine? If I had to paint one for every person that I have met in my life, I imagine filling hallways with amazing design; some gregarious and dark, other's awash with soulful inspirations. Wind chimes would signal laughter and drumbeats for passion, love and sadness; fear, malice and anger would flow as the bark used on railway sleepers, and joy would appear as mirrors reflecting the eyes of all who hold them close.

Joy is as it does. In all of us. A whole new world exists, just by thinking about making something that reminds me of everyone I have encountered on my path; everyone who has made an undeniable impact on being who I am. On the evolution of who I am at this moment. Evolutionary relationships are the basis of all we do, and all that makes us.

It's inevitable that some will be immortalized in the words I write; while other's will find their way into the light through the colors that my eye picks out. A river runs through me; every day I am replenished, destroyed, and filled to overflowing again. Words are strange things indeed.

So. What will your change canvas look like?

So Fickle, These Five Senses

There are people who scatter around me;
Some in mock haste; others ambling, perhaps

But I see them not..
feel them not...
so closed off is this abstract nearness,
so fickle, these five senses...

Then there is You so distant in time and space;
but all the while, right here beside me...
with me, around me,

a fragrance, an energy, some words...
a voice.. a name... a being...

a necessary delight.

I am filled. Emptied.

But filled. Again.

Stop!

I want these words to stop.

They waste so much!

Spilling about careless,
These drops float in the water
Of life around me.

All I want is to submerge myself;
To drown
In a sea of voices
That make flirtation
An art...

And art, a devastation
Of something
Sacred.

I Want To Be.

I want to sit on the rooftops of another world while the sun spreads its wings on its flight to the other side; I want to watch as a dusky night descends from the hues of pink and lilac, and sometimes pale shades of turquoise.

I want to be overwhelmed by the confusion of wondering which side of the horizon we're standing on; and which one flies around us.

I want to merge with this one-ness of up and down; sky and ground.

I want ego to know that it will lose its place - that place is a material thing, really. I want spirit to know that it belongs to You, eternal.

How foolish is this ego trap: Spirit knows, of course...

I want to sit on rooftops of your world, still. Feeling the glory of love's raindrops washing me of my inhibitions.

I want to close my eyes and dream; and then open them to the realisation that the dream is tangible as ever.

Difficult, but not impossible.

I want to see how abstract presence can become a solid reality; feel the sand of promise run through my fingers and fall at my feet in a sea of wholeness.

I want to dream.
I want to feel.
I want to live.
I want to be.

Why Women Love Men

We love men because they can’t fake an orgasm, even if they wanted to.

Because they will never understand us, yet even so they go on trying.

Because they still manage to see our beauty, even when we ourselves no longer believe it.

Because they understand equations, politics, maths and economics, but not the feminine heart.

Because they are lovers who only rest when we have had (or pretend to have had) pleasure.

Because they manage to raise sport to something bordering on religion.

Because they are never afraid of the dark.

Because they insist on fixing things that are beyond their capacity, and dedicate themselves to this with the same enthusiasm as an adolescent, and get frustrated when they don’t succeed.

Because they are like pomegranates: most of them is impossible to digest, but the seeds are delicious.

Because they never comment on what the neighbors might think.

Because we always know what they are thinking, and when they open their mouth they say exactly what we imagined they would.

Because they never dreamed of torturing themselves wearing high heels.

Because they love to explore our body and conquer our soul.

Because a 14-year-old girl can leave them speechless, and a 25-year-old woman can tame them quite effortlessly.

Because they are always attracted by extremes: the opulent or the ascetic, warriors or monks, artists or generals.

Because they do absolutely everything possible to try to hide their weaknesses.

Because a man’s biggest fear is not being a man (it never crosses a woman’s mind not to be a woman).

Because they always eat everything on their plate, and don’t feel guilty about it.

Because they take great delight in completely uninteresting matters, such as what happened at work, or different makes of automobiles.

Because they have shoulders where we can rest our heads and sleep without much effort.

Because they are at peace with their bodies, except for small, insignificant things like growing bald and getting fat.

Because they are incredibly courageous in front of insects.

Because they never lie about their age.

Because despite everything they try to demonstrate, they can’t live without a woman.

Because when we tell one of them “I love you”, they always ask us to explain exactly how.

As funny as this may sound, don't we all just make ourselves believe in that which is so non-existent? where there are easier ways to come to terms with the fact that not everyone has what you are looking for and yet the agony.

Nevertheless, the above list is a woman's compilation. It is worth a look by men folk, who cant keep a relationship going. Words are sweet but actions are sweeter. I have one theory or philosophy, however you may like to put it. I think that men and women will love or fall in love with each other if they come out as themselves and not be something which they aren't. Because at the end of the end, the temporary fades and the Real Self surfaces. I would love my man for the man he is and what makes him, him, rather than what makes him Tom Cruise or Jim Carrey. Life is not a bed of roses or pointers. I would love my man to do a lot of things, but I will love him for not going there where he should not go and please me for some moments. I am hanging onto forever rather today , this moment or now.

Season, Reason, Lifetime

People come into your life
for a reason,
a season,
or a lifetime.
When you figure out which it is,
you know exactly what to do.

Some people come into your life for a reason.
It is usually to meet a need
you have expressed outwardly or inwardly.
They have come to assist you through a difficulty,
to provide you with guidance and support,
to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually.
They may seem like a godsend, and they are.
They are there for the reason you need them to be.
Then, without any wrongdoing on your part
or at an inconvenient time,
this person will say or do something
to bring the relationship to an end.
Sometimes they die.
Sometimes they walk away.
Sometimes they act up or out
and force you to take a stand.
What we must realize is that
our need has been met,
our desire
fulfilled;
their work is done.
The prayer you sent up
has been answered and
it is now time to move on.

Some people come into your life for a season. It is because your turn has come
to share, grow, or learn.
They may bring you
an experience of peace
or make you laugh.
They may teach you something
you have never done.
They usually give you
an unbelievable amount of joy.
Believe it!
It is real!
But, only for a season.

Some people come into your life for a lifetime.
Relationships teach you lifetime lessons;
those things you must build upon in order
to have a solid emotional foundation.
Your job is to accept the lesson,
love the person/people (any way);
and put what you have learned to use
in all other relationships
and areas of your life.

If You're Leaving, Take This.

Some people say that you don’t know what you have until you lose it, but it’s not like that. You always know what you have, you just never thought you would lose it.

Hearts are easily torn, but can also be sown together by someone who cares. Though the scars won’t fade, the stitches will always be there to remind you that someone loves you enough to keep you whole again.

Goodbyes make you think. They make you realize what you’ve had, what you’ve lost and what you’ve taken for granted. They make you realize that sometimes, there are no next times, no time outs and no second chances.

It’s okay to cry as hard, and as long as you want to. Just make sure that when you stop crying, you won’t cry for the same reason anymore.

Pain is when you can’t breathe, even if your chest still rises and falls. Sadness is when you look out the window, and think the rain is your tears. Loneliness is when you still feel a hand touching yours, even if there’s none. Desperation is when you wait for a message that will never come. Love is when you experience all those things, and still open your heart to that someone.

Don’t be bitter, and full of hatred when the one you love doesn’t love you the way you love her/him. Ask, listen and let go. Don’t force yourself to understand when you can’t, to fight hard when obviously it’s over and to play deaf to the nagging truth that what you’ve had doesn’t work, and won’t work anymore. Instead, say: “I have loved you more than you think I would, but I feel sorry that you’ve lost your chance to be loved more than you would ever feel in your life after this…

In life, we always search for answers because we want to prove ourselves that we made the right decisions, but the truth is that we can’t search for what is not there. Things happen because they are meant to happen. That’s why we forgive people even if they hurt us, we love people who don’t love us, and we smile despite every painful crash in our hearts. At the end of the day, the lessons you get are the answers to your decisions.

Sometimes you need to set things free even though it’s hard. Things may not be the same, but soon you’ll see that what you did is far better than before.

Silence

Every now and then when I close my eyes and shut the world around me, I come face to face with the echoes of my own, true existence. The voice from within speaks and the light from my heart shines out brilliantly.

We all happen to fall in love, at least once in our life and that love is so much for our existence that we drown in the ocean of our emotions. Often I wonder why that love keeps growing for some in the positive and they bathe in it from time to time, which heals every wound and for some it grows so cold that they could freeze another soul just by their touch. I don’t believe in questioning that which was and that has become. There are no laws in love. If I love, I will forever and nothing ever will have me retrace my steps. I have seen people who sit and ponder over 'what went wrong', when in the end they find themselves blaming the person they love the most. Love will always be love, no matter what the era is, what the human is, but this love is not from the books you and I have often read, and is definitely not from the movies, it happens when two souls connect so mysteriously that they don’t even know until a thunderbolt strikes them. There is no cupid, and there are no external forces that bring people together, it has always been nothing but love responsible for the intake or giving of it entirely.

I have forever believed that 'eternity calls us', and it will when the time is right. Love which is forever is never a delusion, unless one wants to ascribe it as such. Once I filled my hands with love and my heart chirped. And though that someone I loved walked away in a world far away from mine, I still have my hands full. How? I never let go. I will never let go. For those who see love as a need to be fulfilled will always find their hands empty and their hearts longing. Those who embrace the warmth of it are keepers of the glow and always have the strength to love forever.

There are no goodbyes. I have never bid goodbye. To him I never will. Many have had labels for this feeling I have had, but obviously those many have no clue what this love is like. They refer back to some drama or movie where two people do some foolishness to show that they are mushily in love with each other and end up dying for each other. I can never relate to my love in terms of something I have read in the books or seen in the movies. He whom I have loved so much, was the companion I never wanted to lose, someone I pray will stay and grow in my life until in eternity we bond forever. Those who give up their lives in the name of love or take lives for love are not lovers but rapists, who repeatedly rape the naïve emotion. May hell befall on you for doing so!

There is a life we have to live. Whether that love becomes a part of our lives practically. That is why we have to move on. One does not have to say goodbye to that unconditional feeling, it can be given a back seat, or given wings to fly to places where others benefit from it. There is no losing in love, close your eyes and listen to echoes again. You will hear that feeling come back to you again and again, you will hear him again and again and you will see him again and again.

The ungrateful will always find a reason to say that love wrecked them. Love never does any destructive work, it makes us for the better. There is no losing in love, there is always a win, a reward, a smile, which will resound silently in the echoes of your existence only if you let it.

Love On!

For I love...forevermore.

hehe.

I know that it may come as a big surprise

but today seems like a good time to tell you just how much

I LOVE YOU...

I love you even on the days when the sun doesn't shine or our nerves are on edge...

When it's easy

and when it takes all the patience in the world.

I love you no matter what.

scientifically afflicted

Scraps from the past always yearn to make it to the present and the future. Technically it does make it in memories but the yearning is prolonged because in thoughts most things don’t want to stay locked up. It is like being in hibernation.

Love like most things is always yearning for its presence, whether it is the past, the present or the future. It never really tires out of the race. Knowingly people refuse to flush down their feelings, but I have a feeling that the flushing down does not really help it make to the sewerage. Or else all the love in the world would have disappeared by now.

Speaking of disappearance, love has a new meaning now. It is time and person based. Science obviously has rooted our genes deeply to modification and changes but this human working of love is an enterprise on its own. Since love cannot be made to live in the gutters, it has had a slow and steady modification to meet the changing times. The times where when you have a gun in your hand, you will not hesitate to shoot because you are more precious than the man who you point your gun at.

Something's just don’t leave you and out of those something's, love never leaves you. Love for sure has found a way to stay in this scientific world of ours. It has thoroughly undergone lab testing and procedures whereby a love is comparable to a tissue roll. Keep using it until you run out of it and then buy another one and use that. With every roll you have an attachment, it is yours, you like the fragrance and the feeling, but by the time you have mentally fed that it is time for it to go, you feed a command with says 'time to buy a new one', it is as easy as that.

I am not anti-love nor am I affected by any of this modification. But what I see around me is complicated. My perception entirely but it is spooky. Scraps from the past have made it to our present and future in our memory packs, which like the computer, has drives where we have stored it away. These drives are under sever passwords and sometimes consciously the brain forgets the passwords so we never have to go back and look into it. The world has moved out of the phase of suffering. The smart man and the smart woman know the works to keep them off suffering grounds. I wish all the meek and gullible hearts could get their attention and they could preach their magic to them so all of us could live with ourselves in our little domains happily ever after!

Life Happens.

Sometimes I wonder if anything is Absolute? Permanent? Unchanging?

Is there still a right and a wrong?
Good and bad?
Truth and lies?
Dark and light?
Full and empty?
Love and indifference?
Memory and forgetfulness?

Maybe everything is negotiable, left on us entirely or half entirely for interpretation.

Sometimes it's so important that we bend the truth to make it work for us. It is not the lies we tell, but how we match or transform our self or the situation to fit in.

We are faced with things that are not a result of our own making and doings.
Life just happens to us, while we continually try to fit in or make it fit in.

Run Run as Fast as you can… I will catch up *life

Go ON and LEAVE.

People always leave…
Some do because they have to, and they don’t have an option.
Others do because they can't stay, and their contract with us expires.
And a few of them don’t leave, they walk out. Without good byes.

I will not sit and yearn for those who have left me out of any reason at all. I will not commemorate their actions because I don’t appreciate what they have left me with. Memories are beautiful, but not as beautiful as they were when they were.

It is people, who always leave.
Some move on, and forget to look back where they leave us standing.
Some let us go in their past, and head out to make their futures.
Some choose others over us, and decide that it is for the better that they did.
Some do leave, but their leave is permanent, until we meet again, some place in Heaven.

People always leave…
And yet when they do, they don’t leave entirely…
They leave the love behind…
They leave the memories behind…
They leave the fragments which like a puzzle piece fits on most parts of our lives and situations.

How long will it all last?

It could last me my life time.
If there is one thing that will never leave me, is what those people have left in my possession. It is like they have carved their essence in my being, which burns sometimes, and sometimes it makes me happy.

It does not hurt to think that it will not last.
It does not hurt to think that it will fade.
It does not hurt because a possibility is someone will make us forget it.
It does not hurt to wait for another lifetime to meet those people.
What really hurts the most…
Is to know that they love you as much as you love them.
And though there is that love and belongingness, you don’t have a choice, you have to leave.

They leave. We leave. People Leave.

Life as I know it.

As I grow up every single day of my life, I learn a few things every day. Some are agonizing and tormenting and some are extremely intoxicating. But I have a feeling it will all be useful in the long run.

In the 19 years of my life, I have come to learn that even the one person that wasn’t supposed to ever let me down has done so. I have been let down by my best friend. Someone whom I could not imagine a life without

I have had my heart broken more than once and it’s harder every time, especially the last time was terrifying.

I learned that I will equally break hearts, and it will feel the same to them as it did to me. I do remember breaking one heart and I felt his pain. His pain led me to giving him another chance, let's not talk about the outcome.

I learned that fights do happen between the bestest of friends. I have had my share of fights.

I learned that it is human to blame someone else for something someone did. A new love will have to suffer a bit because of old bruises.

I learned that time stands for no one. It expects us to wait and not vice versa.

I learned that life loses the charm of wanting after too many collapses. I learned that I am afraid to not be in love again than be afraid of having my heart broken. But then I just fell in love with you.

I learned that memories cannot be stolen, I will take snapshots of my feelings and my possessions so that when today is gone, tomorrow I will have something to hold and cuddle with to keep me warm.

Don’t be afraid that your life will end, be afraid that it will never begin. I am afraid that it will never begin. I am not the ending person, I am a somebody to begin with.

Complete

I will sit and rant about that which needs my appreciation, because someone, somewhere up above wants me to appreciate all that I have, and not cry over what I don’t.

My Parents:
I miss you when I'm gone. I do. It makes me sad that we're not close. I really would love to change that, before it's too late.

My Siblings:
Don’t touch my things and the rest will be fine. Yes my little honeys, I love you and I live for you. I haven’t been all that great as a big sis, I have done too much of human stuff than saint but I wish, I hope and I pray that you never fall under the bad shadows. Dear God, thank you for blessing me with companions, whom I bother most of the time. Without them life would have been horrible.

My Friends:
If I was to sit and count how much they have done for me and stood by me, I am so sure I’d miss something to count. Surely they have all equally paid me well in the bond we had signed for togetherness. God, for sure I have done some good to be honored with people in my life who are a sight for completeness… they inaudibly complete me.

My Imagination:
I have not come across many who can take a bath in their imagination. Truly they think it is stupid. Well all I know is I am lucky to not think it is stupid and I am grateful for the vivid and vicious imagination I have. It excites me, plays me and makes me a whole when I feel down and out. Imagination, I am lucky to have you. Be with me, you are the closest companion I have.

My Writing:
I may not be a perfectionist, but I like the rawness in the whole deal. Still struggling to work my ways into the weave of words and cast the spell which would bring my readers forward again and again. I am grateful for the genes of my mom and dad, who have been enthusiasts when it comes to the language I can speak in and write in as well. Thank you so much dear God, for without You this would not have been me.

My Heart:
The feelings and the warmth I have, well well… how do I thank you. Even in the coldest and darkest hours of my life, I can see the sunshine and the dawn and hear the music and hum the words… what else could be magic than this feeling of awesome-ness? Blessed be me and Thank you God, for the incurable romantic you made me, without this, I wonder what idiot I would have been.

My Smile:
Not once, not twice, but 50 million times I have been told how my smile just makes a day shine. I love it when it helps people escape from their misery. I love you God for giving me the smile. It twinkles my eyes and it lifts my spirits.

My Soul:
Every so biting and ever so alert. The good the bad and the ugly, wow. Everything it acknowledges and every time it tells me. If I have not regretted anything today that is because I have had the soul which speaks to me louder than the Satan who whispers in my ear. I so am grateful God, yes yes… I love my Soul!

Relationships:
My bonding and the spirit to bond, even tough I have not had one single lasting relationship with someone whom I would want to take care of and vice versa, I still believe, and I am grateful that I do, one day he will come, he, the only one made for me and then I will have it all worked. Thank you for the relationships I am so willing to make.

My Senses:
Without it, what worth it would be to live? I may not show too much care and not appreciate me having them all, but dear God thank you. This is what makes me feel and think and touch and perceive. If I were to list my happiness I have pulled out of it all, I will sure miss something worth it and hence no going ahead with it.

Human Being:
You made me human, you did not make me something I would not have chosen to. You made me girl, I wish never to be man. I am grateful for the entity and the persona you carved in me for me only.

My heart now chokes. I have not said Thank You in so many days. Thank you God. I love you and I will always. Please love me for without it I am a nothing, a nobody.