“He knew that I would take more than apology to get me back. He’d have to conquer the world first. He’s be trying ever since.”

He stumbles over his words. closes his eyes tightly. breathes in. breathes out. almost loses his courage. "I love you," he says. "I love you so much it hurts."

Before you, Bella, my life was like a moonless night. Very dark, but there were stars - points of light and reason. .... And then you shot across my sky like a meteor. Suddenly, everything was on fire; there was brilliance, there was beauty. When you were gone, when the meteor had fallen over the horizon, everything went black. Nothing had changed, but my eyes were blinded by the light. I couldn't see the stars anymore, and there was no reason for anything.

I don't care.

She's beautiful but she'll never admit it.
Music is her life, literally.
Ask for a good song, she'll give you five.
Jeans and wearing her hair down are her trademarks.
She's afraid of the dark and obsessed with her friends.
When she smiles her whole face lights up.
And her heart is broken by a guy who doesn't love her.
And you know what? She doesn't care.

TONY AWARDS 2009

Short recap:

Rehearsal was at 7:00 this morning, but I was up at 5 because everyone performing had to be there by 6. That sucked. Running through everything took about 3 hours, as planned, so that was good.

Then, about noon or so, I met up with some pretty amazing people, had lunch, and just hung out until 2:30.

Three o' clock comes around, and the preparation began- hair, makeup, shoes, dresses, hair pieces, purses, even switching bras.

I ended up wearing a short, yellow, one shouldered , Vera Wang, dress, and my hair was lightly pulled back, very elegant.

After that was all done with, grabbed a quick Granola bar to eat, and went straight to Radio City Music Hall. We had to be there by five at THE LATEST.

The show was pretty good. Met some people, saw other stars that I was too afraid to go up and talk to. Either way, everyone looked amazing. Chris, you won in my eyes. You were pretty amazing up there.

Anyways, the closing act was, by far, my favorite of the night. Awesome job Neil! BTW, you are stunningly beautiful in person. HAHAH. :)

That's it for now. I'll write more about it later. I've got parties to attend. Night ya'll.

Someday.

Izzie: I love you

George: I love you

Izzie: We aren't going to make this work are we?

George: Marriage is hard. Even when its right, it's hard. And next time I do it, I just want it to be forever. And I don't, I dont think it's our chemistry. I think it's our timing. But I don't think its our chemistry.

Izzie: So were saying maybe some day?

George: Yeah, were saying someday.

Are you really who you want to be?

Take a look at yourself in the mirror. Who do you see looking back?

Or is there someone else you were meant to be? The person you should have been but fell short of?

Is someone telling you you can't or you won't? Because you can.

Believe that love is out there.

Believe that dreams come true everyday, because they do.

Sometimes happiness doesn't come from fame or money or power. Sometimes happiness comes from good friends and family and from the quiet nobility of leading a good life.

Believe that dreams come true everyday, because they do.

So take a look at yourself in that mirror and tell yourself to be happy. Because you deserve to be.

To Teach Is To Touch A Life

While in Philadelphia, the mayor came and spoke to all of us attending the seminar. He told us of a story involving his daughter. His daughter came to him one day and asked him, "Daddy, why is it that teachers get paid so much less than professional athletes?" He told us he didn't have a good answer for her, in fact he didn't have one at all, but he realized what a good point she had made. Those athletes are able to do what they are doing BECAUSE OF A TEACHER. They are able to read contracts, and use proper grammar when speaking to the press BECAUSE OF A TEACHER.

So why is it that people don't see how important teaching is? Why is it that teachers are some of the lowest paid professionals? Are teachers underpaid? YES, we are-- We do more than teach, we change lives, we impact lives, we mold lives. When one of my students is acting out, I do not yell and scream-- I find out the root of my student's frustration; Maybe he/she's acting out because of something at home? Maybe he/she doesn't understand what we're trying to learn? Who knows, but it's MY job to find out.

Yes, this takes time out of the plans I have. No, this is not found in my job description, I don't have to do this, I don't have to take my work home with me, and think of fun things to do with my students, BUT I DO. And why? Because I give MYSELF. I'm going to do whatever it takes to make that connection with my students.


- TEACHING IS NOT A LOST ART, BUT THE REGARD FOR IT IS A LOST TRADITION.

- ALL KIDS ARE GIFTED. SOME JUST OPEN THEIR PACKAGES EARLIER THAN OTHERS.

- TEACHING IS MORE THAN IMPARTING KNOWLEDGE, IT IS INSPIRING CHANGE.

- THE MEDIOCRE TEACHER TELLS. THE GOOD TEACHER EXPLAINS. THE SUPERIOR TEACHER DEMONSTRATES. THE GREAT TEACHER INSPIRES.

- GOOD TEACHING IS ONE-FOURTH PREPARATION, AND THREE-FOURTHS THEATER.

- I LIKE A TEACHER WHO GIVES YOU SOMETHING TO TAKE HOME TO THINK ABOUT BESIDES HOMEWORK.

- REAL EDUCATION SHOULD EDUCATE US OUT OF SELF INTO SOMETHING FAR FINER; INTO A SELFLESSNESS WHICH LINKS US WITH ALL HUMANITY.

- YOU TEACH A STUDENT A LESSON FOR A DAY; BUT IF YOU CAN TEACH HIM TO LEARN BY CREATING CURIOSITY, HE WILL CONTINUE THE LEARNING PROCESS AS LONG AS HE LIVES.

- YOU DON'T TEACH TO MAKE MONEY. YOU TEACH TO CHANGE LIVES.

Maybe it's Meant to Be?

Today, I got offered a job to be a buyer for Calvin Klein.

Being a buyer for a well known designer has been an all time dream of mine.

Even though I'm not majoring, and nor do I have a degree in anything dealing with fashion, I LOVE it.

The problem is, I don't feel that 1) I'm adequate for the position, 2) that I even fit, or would be able to fit in with other buyers, and 3) that I acquire enough knowledge for such a position.

I guess, I just don't know.

Maybe I should accept the offer?

But, if I take it, I have to move to NYC, full-time. I have to live, breathe, and become a fashion icon. I'm not so sure I'm ready for that. Even though, if all worked as planned, I'd be living the life I've dreamed of.




If I've learned one thing today, it's that I now know that dreams really do come true; you NEVER have to compromise.




OHMIGOD YOU GUYS!

Review

Tuesday- My grandparents got to NC. We went out to eat, and relaxed for most of the night.

Wednesday- "Where the Hell's my bun?" "I look like a penguin."

Thursday- Went and had Jamie cut my hair in the morning. Love it! Then, hung out and went shopping for the rest of the afternoon for pants :-p Met up with Samantha for dinner-Texas Roadhouse with Zy, Scott, Alexis, then went back and hung out with Alex, and Alex. I loved them. Then went over to Scott's for the night to watch a movie until 5 in the morning. Back to Sam's house, got up at 7:30, got a shower, went back to Wade.

Friday- :( Sad, sad day.

Monday night- NCT awards. So good! Had a wonderful time. Got to meet some really awesome people. So blessed!

Last night- AHHHHHHHHHHHMAZZZIINNNGGG. I don't know what else to say! Beautiful weather, great people, I loved my whole experience. 2 years in a row of going to the Idol Finale, and I had a blast. This year topped it all. I'm very happy. That's about all I've got to say. (Jolene :( Boo. )

Today- Now I'm in OK. Morgan's graduation is Saturday, can't wait for that. We'll see what comes of next week.

Don't know why I'm blogging about this, but enjoy.


Lots of love.

info.

City's restless--it’s all around me
People in motion
Sick of all the same routines
Forget what they say
`cause I need to go,
I need to get away tonight.

L☮♥E ☆♫U

It's all about knowing what you want, and then going for it.«

let it be... follow your ♥

What are your core values?

Here’s five I think best describe me as a person:

Challenge - I love to take on challenges because they help make me a stronger person.
Freedom - Freedom to do what I want in life is very important to me.
Giving/charity - Giving back to the world is something I strive to do.
Personal growth - I hope to continue personal growth throughout my life.
Meaning - Life without meaning is nothing.
Humor - What would life be without a few (or a lot of) laughs?

Pretty Much

ONE OF THE BEST DAYS IN MY LIFE.

happy

Things turn out best for the people
who make the best of the way things turn out.
So smile a little more,
it can only make life brighter,
beauty more spectacular,
and your happiness greater.

peace

It isn't enough to talk about peace.
One must believe in it.
And it isn't enough to believe in it.
One must work at it.

Advice

Just say what you mean and mean what you say. Don't expect someone to read your mind,and don't play games with heads or hearts. Don't tell half truths and expect trust when the full truth comes out. Half truths are no better then lies. Don't be cold to someone you care about - indifference hurts more then angry words.

now he's mine :)

Recently I've been,
Hopelessly reaching
Out for this guy,
Who's out of this world.
Believe me.

:)

It was odd…his blue eyes met with my brown ones and we didn’t look away. for a moment caught in this awkward staring glance like thing, and then he did the most perfect thing, when he looked away, he smiled.

My Wish for you.

This is my wish for you: Comfort on difficult days, smiles when sadness intrudes, rainbows to follow the clouds, laughter to kiss your lips, sunsets to warm your heart, hugs when spirits sag, beauty for your eyes to see, friendships to brighten your being, faith so that you can believe, confidence for when you doubt, courage to know yourself, patience to accept the truth, LOVE to complete your life.

I've absolutely fallen for you.

I mean it was that quick, you know. Because love comes that quick. It's like a decision - love is a decision that you make. And I made it right there on the spot.

heart

I’m a war of head vs. heart
it's always this way;
my head is weak, my heart always speaks
before I know what it will say.

spill

I just want to get inside your head,
so I can see how you feel about me.
it's all I wonder about lately,
all I want to know is what you see.

you, ohhh it's you

I'm not going to stress over you anymore.
It isn't worth it. I tried to work something out,
but you just ignored it.
I'm not trying to say I don't want you because I definitely do.
All I'm saying is I'm done chasing after you.

i miss this

Before Sidekicks & iPods; PlayStation2 or X-BOX.
Before the 5 hours of homework you put off every night.
When light up sneakers were cool
& when you rented VHS tapes, not DVDs.
When gas was $0.65 a gallon
& caller ID was a new thing;
when we recorded stuff on VCRs
& paid $3.50 for a movie.
When we called the radio station to request songs
to hear off our walkmans;
when 2Pac & Biggie were alive.
When the Chicago Bulls were the best team ever;
Way back when we played tag, Hide-&-Go Seek at dusk,
red light, green light, heads up 7 Up;
playing kickball & dodgeball until your porch light came on,
hopscotch, slip-&-slides, hula hoops, skip-its.
Remember reading R.L. Stine's GooseBumps series,
the annoying NanoPets & Furbies,
running through the sprinklers,
crying when Mufasa died in the Lion King,
Happy Meals where you chose a Barbie or a Hot Wheels car,
getting the privilege to sit in the front seat of the car.
But wait; how about watching Saturday morning cartoons
in your PJ's, still wrapped up in your Garfield comforter,
Hey Arnold, Doug, Rugrats, The original Power Rangers,
Or what about The Secret Life of Alex Mac, Ren & Stimpy,
Double Dare, Rocko's Modern Life, Real Monsters,
Wild & Crazy Kids, Clarissa Explains it All,
Salute Your Shorts, Are You Afraid of the Dark?
The original cast members of All That, Kenan & Kel,
The Magic School Bus, Flash Forward, Pete & Pete,
Legends of the Hidden Temple, Hey Dude, Dinosaurs,
Pinky & the Brain, Blossom, Hangin' With Mr. Copper,
My So Called Life, Wishbone, Bill-Nye the Science Guy.
Who could forget Snick & Nick @ Nite with Bewitched,
I Dream of Jeanie, The Facts of Life, & I Love Lucy.
Where everyone wanted to be in love after watching
The Wonder Years, or Nick Jr. with Face, Gulah-Gulah Island,
Little Bear, Under the Umbrella Tree,
The Busy World of Richard Scary,
The Adventures of Winnie the Pooh
& Kool-Aid was the drink of choice,
wearing your new shoes on the first day of school,
class field trips,
when Christmas was the most exciting time of year,
when $5 seemed like a million,
& another dollar a miracle.
When you begged to go to McDonalds for dinner everyday,
when Toys 'R' Us overruled the mall.
Go back to the time when argument's were only started
when it came to who was gonna be the red ranger,
decisions were made by going 'eeny-meeny-miney-moe',
mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming 'do over!'
'Race issue' meant arguing about who ran the fastest,
money issues were handled by whoever was banker in 'Monopoly'
It wasn't odd to have two or three 'best' friends,
being old referred to anyone over 20,
a chance to skate as a couple at the local
roller rink was like winning the lottery,
scrapes & bruises were kissed & made better.
It was a big deal to finally be tall enough to ride
the 'big people' rides at the fair;
when playing Nintendo was the hardest thing ever,
when Ninja Turtles ruled the world,
when a candy bar at the grocery store was
the highlight of your day,
when coupons collected all year could get you
a prize in your class auction,
when the only thing you cried over was your
mom being late to pick you up,
when stress was addition & subtraction,
when friendships were as complicated as
who's house to sleep over,
when shaving cream was just meant for play,
when a first kiss only lead to cooties,
when Valentines Day meant cards for all,
when birthdays were a class event,
when a friend moving away was the saddest day of your life,
when the summer lasted forever,
when time didn't matter.
These were the days we hadn't realized
escaped us until it's all brought back

i'll learn to fly

standing on the edge
hesitation of the freefall
the unknown ignites fear
will i find the sky is infinite
or will i discover the end?
fight the urge to one-eighty
to return to security of complacency
breathe in, exhale fear
one last look back
close my eyes
risking all i know
and i take the initiative to fly

blog

I have experienced pains far worse than teenage heartbreaks.
Heartbreaks are just life educating us.
You will learn more from 7 days of agony than you will with 7 years of content.
You won’t grow if you sit in a beautiful flower garden all your life.
But you will grow if you are sick, in pain, and experience losses.
Pain is important. How we evade it,
succumb it, deal with it, and how we transcend it.
So learn to accept pain,
not as a curse or a punishment, but as a gift to you,
with a very specific purpose.
People often try to alter the circumstances
to suit themselves, when we should really be
letting the circumstances alter us.
It is all part of this thing called growing up.

IT IS WHAT IT IS.

It's okay.
Its okay to want someone you can't have.
It's okay to keep friendships when you
don't want them, or want something more.
Its okay to cry when you're hurt and its
okay to stay mad at someone who hurt you.
Believe it or not, its always gonna be okay.
That’s just how it works. Sometimes, things
don't always work out the way you want
them to, and a lot of times, it seems like they
never will, but its okay. That’s how life's
supposed to go. Its all about learning how to
deal with the bumpy parts in the road and
waiting til they're smooth again. Its all about
forgiving and forgetting. Its all about waiting
and wishing.
That’s just how life is.

Future Love

He asked, "Are you sad?" And she was quiet, hesitant, unlike herself until she shakily shook her head "yes". And he said nothing, but ran his hands up her back and turned her to face him, pressing his nose against hers; looking softly, hardly breathing, understanding, not knowing, not even loving, just comprehension, comprehension of what she needed:
The hands that brushed her spine and the hair out of her face; the pressure of his body and the fact that just then, he was her friend. And she felt more than his skin and he, more than hers,
and he held her like he held the world.

How I Tend To Live My Life

Live each moment of your dream, your goal, with passion.
Do not let your conviction and motivation die when the going gets tough.
Bounce higher with every fall and always aim for what seems impossible.

Letting Go....

To let go isn't to forget, not to think about, or ignore. It doesn't leave feelings of anger, jealousy or regret. Letting go isn't about winning or losing. It's not about pride and it's not about how you appear and it's not obsessing or dwelling on the past. Letting go isn't blocking memories or thinking sad thoughts and doesn't leave emptiness, hurt or sadness. It's not about giving in or giving up. Letting go isn't about loss and it's not about defeat. To let go is to cherish the memories, to overcome and move on. It is having an open mind in confidence for the future. Letting go is learning, experiencing and growing. To let go is to be thankful for the experiences that made you laugh, made you cry, and made you grow. It's about all that you have, all that you had, and all that you will soon gain. Letting go is having the courage to accept change and the strength to keep moving. Letting go is growing up. It is realizing that the heart can sometimes be the most potent remedy. To let go is to open a door, to clear a path and set yourself free.

i just want to go back home.

calling all tickets, the train leaves in minutes.
she sits near the window
and turns her back on the city
she once called home.
the yard where she ran through snow,
the streets driven up and down and
through the lot where she'd stare at the stars,
the porch nights, she'd count the cars.
they're all memories of simpler times now gone.

yet, i still continue to hope.

nothing hurts more than
hoping, hoping, hoping
only to have it all slowly crushed
day by day, moment by moment.
you know you're losing it
but you can't do anything
in the world about it.

so. so. so....

at the end of the day, after doing all these things, there's an empty space. there's going to be something you ache for. the key is to find something you have a passion for, something you can live for every day of your life, and stay with it. to fulfill yourself, you must fulfill your purpose.

hear!

And you'll hear a break of laughter as she smiles, an outburst of noise. The perfection is there if you crawl underneath the first layer of mistakes and insecurities, and there you'll see the person worth listening to, the one that most people try to find in themselves, the one that she never saw inside herself.

.................................... . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

sometimes we just need to get out,
get away and momentarily forget everything
in order to realize that what we have
really isn't all that bad.

I'm afraid of...

I'm afraid of time.. I mean, I'm
afraid of not having enough time...
Not enough time to understand people,
how they really are, or to be understood myself.
I'm afraid of the quick judgments and
mistakes that everybody makes.
You cant fix them without time.
I'm afraid of seeing snapshots instead of movies

Photographs.

When you see such photos, you can’t help but wonder at just how sweet and sad and innocent all moments of life are rendered by the tripping of a camera’s shutter, for at that point the future is still unknown and has yet to hurt us, and also for that brief moment, are poses are accepted as honest.

True Life

It is no surprise to me that hardly anyone tells the truth about how they feel. The smart ones keep themselves to themselves for good reasons. Why would you want to tell anyone anything that's dear to you? Even when you feel like them and want nothing more than to be closer than close to them? It's so painful to be next to someone you feel strongly about and know you can't say the things you want to.

you're close to perfect

And so, while the rest of the world went on unaware,
drinking their coffee, reading the sports page, and
picking up their dry cleaning, I leaned forward and
kissed him, making a choice that would change
everything. Maybe somewhere there was a ripple, a
bit of a jump, some small shift in the universe, barely
noticeable. I didn’t feel it then. I felt only him kissing
me back, easing me into the sunlight as I lost myself
in the taste of him and felt the world go on, just as
it always had, all around us.

on and on and on

The unreal is more powerful than
the real, because nothing is as
perfect as you can imagine it,
because its only intangible ideas,
concepts, beliefs, fantasies that
last. Stone crumbles. Wood rots.
People, well, they die. But things
as fragile as a thought, a dream,
a legend, they can go on and on.

:(

I felt a lump rise in my throat, raw and throbbing, but even as the tears came I wasn’t sure who I was crying for.

how I really feel.

I have all these feelings, these weird feelings,
& I've had this burning desire to express them.
But I can't. I just can't.
And these feelings, they're trapped.
They're like stuck in my heart & I just feel so lonely.

....it's a wonderful life.

look in the mirror and fix yourself up. wash away those tears. be strong, honey. suck it up. no one else can know. paint on your smile and walk away. you have to pretend you're fine.

3-31-09

1) Anoop- Caught Up- 1-866-43657-01- The beginning was quite good, but the rest, meh.

2) Megan- Turn Your Life Down Low- 1-866-43657-02- You best be leaving this week. Gah, you looked and sounded like such a mess this week.

3) Danny- What Hurts the Most- 1-866-43657-03- You sang your heart out, and I have mad love for you. :)

4) Allison- Don't Speak- 1-866-43657-04- Meh, I'm not sure how I feel about you. I've liked you more previous weeks, but good job.

5) Scott- Just the Way You Are- 1-866-43657-05- Excellent job! You rocked that piano! <3

6) Matt- You Found Me- 1-866-43657-06- I still really like you, but what happened to you?

7) Lil- I Surrender- 1-866-43657-07- You can sing, no doubt about it, but I miss how amazing you used to be. I guess I miss Lil. Come on now, girlfriend! Your children are beautiful, absolutely beautiful.

8) Adam- Play That Funky Music- 1-866-43657-08- How the Hell do you hit all those crazy, insane notes? My gosh! Go Adam, I don't know what else to say. By the way, you also always have the hottest people sitting in the audience for you. Please hook me up with them. That is all :)

9) Kris- Ain't No Sunshine- 1-866-43657-09- You, Mr, have stolen my heart. Wow! In my opinion, the best of the night. Amazing, amazing, amazing!! <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

I'm so sick of overthinking.

Oh, yeah, and I kind of just happened to buy a new car today.
Wtf was I thinking?
That I'm not sure of at the moment.

don't bother.

I'm sitting here crying
because no one understands
and I'm slowly
slipping
away.

AI. <3 In My Opinion

Matt- Let's Get It ON. Okay, he was wonderful to me. I'd so get it on with him. That's all I'm saying. 1-866-43657-01

Kris- How Sweet It Is To Be Loved By YOU- 1) He is so attractive, my goodness. 2) I want to be loved by him. 3) He's adorable, and he was amazing. So good! 1-866-43657-02

Scott- You Can't Hurry LOVE- "I'm waiting for that person that's the perfect fit." So cute! So true! Crazy piano playingggg!! 1-866-43657-03

Megan- For Once In My LIFE- "You are so different." Get a life, not a fan, sorry. I think you needed to be gone weeks ago. You were beyond awful tonight. Don't vote for her, please, but if you must...1-866-43657-04

Anoop- Ooo, Baby, BABY- I like him, I don't love him, but he's good. 1-866-43657-05

Michael- Ain't Too Proud To BEG- I never really liked him until tonight. He had fun with it, and it showed. :) 1-866-43657-06

Lil- Heat WAVE- She's superb. It's true. She looked beautiful too. 1-866-43657-07

Adam- The Tracks Of My TEARS- HOLY HIGH NOTE! Way to go! He was brilliant. 1-866-43657-08

Danny- Get READY- I absolutely LOVED it! I'm ready! Come, Danny, Come! 1-866-43657-09

Allison- Papa Was A Rolling STONE- Where in the world did that performance come from? WOW! 1-866-43657-10

hang on, hang on.

See this girl - she's gonna do great things.
she may be from a small country town,
but she belongs in Hollywood

just let me go.

and sometimes it`s amazing -
how every girl has that one guy,
that could call her up, let it be three in the morning, and
say "lets hang out, i`m coming to get you"
put aside her shock, her excitement, her anger or her [hate] for him..
she`d give him only four words.. "Give me ten minutes"

wow, true

watching two people falling out of love;
is like watching a car crash in slow motion.

the wonder of it all

You're looking quite sharp, sugar.
You've got some teeth on that stare.
You've got them tattered blue jeans on.
You've done that thing with your hair.
This bed could use a secret and these pounding hearts could keep it.
If you could, then I could, I swear.

a day

It hit me all at once.
The pain.
The anguish.
The horror.
The hatred.
Most people cry, I couldn't.
Most people break down, I wouldn't.
I did the only thing I knew how to do, I shut myself down completely.
And in that moment I reached my ultimate goal; I didn't feel a thing.
That moment I stopped living

Impossible

Impossible is not a fact, it's an opinion.
Impossible is not a declaration, it's a dare.
Impossible is temporary.
Impossible is potential.
Impossible is nothing.

The mic hits the floor...

Oh, Oh The memories we have.
Framed in our mind like photographs.
Take a second, Take a second and make this last.
Heres where the future meets the past.

<3 <3

It took time for her to figure out she could run,
but afterwards, babe she was long gone.

It's About TIme!

You broke my heart. And you acted like somehow it was
my fault, my misunderstanding, and I was too in love with
you to ever be mad at you, so I just punished myself.
For years! It's over. This - this twisted, toxic thing between us,
is finally finished! I'm miraculously done being in love with you!
I've got a life to start living. And you're not going to be in it.

Sometimes you just need someone.

Sometimes you just need someone, someone to make you smile when you're sad, someone to tell you you're beautiful, someone to look forward to seeing you everyday, someone to call you every night, someone to say I love you and mean it. Sometimes you just need someone.

Bombs.

I wonder whether the things that kill you
were not only the crashes and explosions.
But the bombs buried deep inside.
The bombs ticking quietly in your heart, year after year.
That you yourself have swallowed, and allowed to grow.

i always, and forever will.

When I woke up I couldn’t know, by one o clock I’d be alone.
In a few years I’m sure I’ll find it funny, in all honesty, I never saw it coming.
It’s that time again, where we can't just be friends.
I’ll miss the way you kiss, the feel of your fingertips tonight.

oh, oh

That night you took away a little more than just my breath, I swear that I was thinking about the summer or the words that I wrote on the walls that saved my life. I don’t care if I will never be the same, but everything just keeps reminding me of winter. Like the drive that I took on the night I lost my mind.

So that is how I learned the lesson that everyone is alone. And how your eyes must do some raining if you are ever going to grow. But when crying don't help and you can't compose yourself, it is best to compose a poem, an honest verse of longing or simple song of hope. That is why I'm singing.

I saw you for the first time in a while and awkward thoughts brought awkward smiles and I left your room for the very last time and I know that I can't sleep with all of these things, they're running through my head.

Who was I kidding baby? This wasn't meant to be. I needed a believer and you needed to believe. Just don't tell me this doesn't mean the world, because my ears would bleed and my heart would hit the floor.

Garden State

You'll see when you move out it just sort of happens one day.
One day and it's just gone. And you can never get it back. It's like you get homesick for a place that doesn't exist. I mean it's like this rite of passage, you know. You won't have this feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself, you know, for your kids, for the family you start, it's like a cycle or something. I miss the idea of it. Maybe that's all family really is. A group of people who miss the same imaginary place.

Boy Meets World

Cory: It just sucks, you know?
Shawn: What, to know its over?
Cory: No, to be the only one in the world who knows its not.

The Wonder Years

Sometimes to keep growing together, you have to grow apart. If you're lucky you can get a second chance with the one you love. Sometimes luck isn't enough. Love can kill you, it can tear you apart. But it can bring you back together.

:/

Have you ever lost someone you love and wanted one more conversation.
One more chance to make up for the time when you thought they would be here forever?
If so, then you know you can go your whole life collecting days.
And none will outweigh the one you wish you had back.

surelyy

I'm tired.
Cynical and broken, but wiser.
Heavy with a sense of resentment,
but I used to be so much different,
I used to have so much faith
when I started.
You knew that I always meant it.
I knew I could make a difference.

pleasee

I saw him staring at me- not glancing, but blatantly staring.
And I wondered if he was staring at the wreckage
he had created. And in that moment I just wanted him to
push me hard against a wall and kiss me.
I didn't want to think anymore. I didn't want to question it.
I just wanted to feel it.
Sometimes that's all we need -is just to feel it.

ohhh, say what you want about me.

In life, we do things.
Some we wish we had never done, some we wish
we could replay a million times in our heads, but they
all make us who we are. And in the end, those experiences
shape every detail about us. If we were to reverse any of
them, we wouldn't be at the exact place that we are today.
So just live. Make mistakes, and have wonderful times but never ever
second guess who you are, where you have been,
and most importantly,
where is is that you are going.

crazyyyyyy <3

For once,



I think




I actually

believe in

love again.

March 16, 2009

Okay,

so my head is throbbing,
my ears are ringing,
my heart is still racing,
and my throat is killing.


BUTTT,


because of Nick, and the $600 VIP Toxic Experience, I met Britney! :)


To be continued once I get pictures uploaded and whatnot.

Goodnight <3

AHHHHHHH!!!!!! <3

I JUST GOT MY SCORES BACK, 4 WEEKS LATE, BUTTTTTTTT I PASSSSEEEDDDD!!! ALL OF MY SECTIONS, AND I WILL BE GRADUATING IN MAYYYY! GLORIOUS DAYYYY! <3

i'd be lying if i said i didn't miss you

we sat in your car on that chilly fall night,
talking about how much i've grown up,
and how much you've lost yourself.

Today..

Today I learned that everyone has their own color red, but not everyone has their own color orange.

I learned that cheeseburgers, iced coffee, incident reports, housekeeping, etc, kinda, sorta, are the little things in life, that make us laugh.


Short story...so yesterday, there was this lady that I "waited" on, and she got all this stuff and whatnot, and she pretty much got my whole life story, and I got hers. Well, she came back today, with one of her daughters that she had told me about yesterday. She found me and said "hey hunny, this is who I want you to be like someday." She was referring to me, and she was dead serious. She said "when you grow up, I want you to be just like her. She should be your role model." I didn't know this lady, I still don't know anything other than her name, but she made my heart a bit happier just by being in my life for a couple days.

That's it for now. I just had to blog about it.

I wish I could put this in a note on facebook, but it's much too deep.

Now that summer's over, we'll wonder what to do. We'll finish our last nights in your car, just like we always do. I'll hold you closer and tell you I love you but it won't matter in the end. It's obvious you're leaving soon just another heart to mend. So, what happens once you lose control? When the future has to start. What happens when you're still in love but time rips you apart. Is there ever an answer for when love is not enough?

Truth Be Told.

90% of the time I'm a fake, but I promise the other 10% is really beautiful.

cbd

He and I had something beautiful,
But so dysfunctional, it couldn't last.
I loved him so but I let him go,
'Cause I knew he'd never love me back.

this time it's different <3

You kissed me, soft; it was quick, kind of like a habit.
You know, like we'd do it everyday for the rest of our lives.

info

Slow way down
This break down's eating me alive
And I'm tired
This fire's fighting to survive.

We're pulling apart,
and coming together again, and again
We're growing apart, but we pull it together,
pull it together, together again
Don't let me go...

isn't that the truth?

People have to face regrets. Becoming mature means learning to accept what you cannot change, facing unresolved sorrows and learning to love life as it really happens, not as you would have it happen. When someone attaches unkindness to criticism, she's angry. Angry people need to criticize as an outlet for their anger. That's why you must reject unkind criticism. Unkind criticism is never part of a meaningful critique of you. Its purpose is not to teach or to help, its purpose is to punish. Life isn't supposed to be an all or nothing battle between misery and bliss. Life isn't supposed to be a battle at all. And when it comes to happiness, well, sometimes life is just okay, sometimes it's comfortable, sometimes wonderful, sometimes boring, sometimes unpleasant. When your day's not perfect, it's not a failure or a terrible loss. It's just another day.

Ashes

If I said I want you back I'd be a liar. There's nothing left of us to long for any more. But inside the ashes burns an endless fire. And every night I can't help reaching out for more.

keep

Tell me I'm beautiful, fulfill me.

Keep us from saying anything can't separate from everything. And all this really means is you're one in a crowd and you're paranoid of every sound. Another friend you won't miss anyhow.

Another disappointment, another chance missed. Nothing's new, nothing's changing. The emptiness won't be filled anytime soon and the negative feelings continue to grow.

You're the only thing I know like the back of my hand.

Love scares me, especially love like this. Love that's so real it hurts, love that feels so good and alive. But I know at any moment you can take it away.. and you will take it away.

slight rant

Here's to all those girls who used to be his number one. The ones who waited all night for him to call, only to check the caller ID the next morning and be disappointed. The ones who made it through that bitter break up, dried your own tears, and moved on with your life, only to have him walk back in it months later like nothing ever happened. Those of you who cried on the first day you talked again because you knew exactly where this phone call was going. The ones who listened to him say, I only want to be your friend, one day, and the next, listened to him say how much he loves and misses you. We deserve something, and this is our tribute.Here's to the ones that took him back, hoping that maybe this time, he was different, hoping that maybe people really do change. We listened to our friends tell us that we were stupid for even thinking about giving him another chance, caught crap from our parents, and even snuck around to see him for while. We went through the great stage with no fights all over again. We started this out thinking it would be just friends, and ended up falling in love with him again. We wanted nothing more in the world than to hear him tell us he loved us too, that even though things were bad in the past, they would be different this time. And when we finally heard it, it was like we were dreaming. This is for us. Here's to the ones who believed what he said, sat around all over again waiting for a phone call that might come in a few hours, or a few days. Here's for the tears cried and dried all over again. We wanted so desperately to believe that he was really busy, he couldn't possibly call us at that moment, or even that he fell asleep early. We trained ourselves to believe the lies because we wanted to believe we had found the one for us. We learned to SETTLE for someone who didn't treat us the way we should be treated. Here's for the ones who did their hair and make up and put on their prettiest earrings, only to hear him say that he couldn't see us today. The ones who never believed it when people told us there might be someone else. We just couldn't believe that he could do this to us again. This is for those great girls, who loved him more than words can say, and took him back no matter what happened last time because they couldn't bear to look back on their lives one day and wonder "what if". This is for the girls that stayed up all night long listening to him whine about an ex girlfriend who cheated on him, and cried during the entire conversation. The ones who hoped he would realize that he deserved better, that he deserved us. When he said that he loved you, but he was in love with her, he didn't mean it. This is for the ones that held on to something that was never there to begin with. This is for us girls, who somehow managed to get him to forget about her, and get him to tell us that he was in love with us again, only to have him tell us three weeks later that "things were going too fast, he needs time." Here's to the girls who couldn't cry to their friends because of how stupid they felt. The ones who held it all in when things came crumbling to pieces again. This is for the ones who couldn't bear to even tell their mom what was going on, for fear of an "I told you so." The ones that could just TELL that they had made a mistake ever allowing him into their hearts, and their dreams again. We knew that we deserved better the entire time, that we deserved a guy who would call when he said he was going to, one that would come see us whenever he got the chance, one that would really care about us. We just wanted the one that we loved like that. Here's for the ones that FINALLY realized that he never gave a crap about them. Here's for the time that he broke your heart again. This is for those days spent trying to hold back the tears, and the tears that turned into anger, then disappointment. Here's for us girls who finally realized that we deserve better. This is for those confusing days, when you miss him, and want nothing more than to hear his voice, or feel his arms around your waist. Stay strong, and remember that relationships are like broken glass, sometimes it's better to leave it alone rather than try to put the pieces back together and get hurt. Remember the times you cried, and how long it took you to even be able to look at another guy like that. When "your song" comes on the radio, turn the station. When the day comes that he realizes what a mistake he made and tries calling, turn your phone off. When he tries coming to your house, don't answer the door. Think of the broken promises, and the lies, the manipulation and the tears, the wasted moments and staying up all night wondering where the crap he was. Think of how your heart used to jump when your phone would vibrate in the middle of the night, and how it fell to your stomach when you saw it wasn't him, and realized that once again, he hadn't called when he said he was going to. One day, you'll find a guy who's worth all the tears, but he won't make you cry. You may think that you'll never care about someone like you did that guy that you always ran back to, but you will. It's gonna hurt like crap, and it's going to need time to heal, but the point is, it will heal. This is for those girls, who fell back in love with a guy, only to get hurt all over again.

So I wonder.

Do you ever wonder? I mean, about
us. What happened? It was almost
as if our relationship was a piece
of paper, crumpled up and thrown
away. Forgotten. What might have
happened if we didnt crumple it up
and throw it away. Maybe we would
still be together. Maybe not. Or
maybe secretly we havent thrown it
away yet. We're saving it because
we're hoping maybe someday we can
pull it out of our pockets and
rekindle what we once had. Or maybe
its not even that we want it back.
Maybe its just that we dont want to
lose what we had, but at the same
time, we already know its lost. I
wonder that a lot, and I wonder if
you wonder sometimes too.

I'd like to...

I'd like to tell today's youth that no matter where life takes you - big cities, small towns, you'll inevitably come across small minded people who think they're better than you. People who think material things or being prettier or popular automatically makes you a better human being. I'd like to tell today's youth that none of these things matter unless you have strength of character & integrity & if you're lucky enough to have any of these things... don't ever sell out. So when you meet a person for the first time, don't judge them by their situation in life because who knows, that person might just end up being your best friend.

Life Changes

Life changes. You get it all lined up just the way you like it and then something beyond your control comes along and bumps you off center. How nice it would be if you could get everything just the way you want it and say, 'Okay, now, stay.' But nothing stays the same. You grow up, make friends, lose friends, go to college, lose track of people, meet new ones, and sometimes you ask yourself why. But all I can tell you is the every single experience you go through like this changed you in some way. Every new person who comes into your life changes you. Every moral dilemma or emotional experience you come up against changes you. It's your job you decide how. That's how character is developed.

The only Wildcard that stole my <3

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lrnG4x8WaqA&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YWY1Hay031U&feature=related





always and forever.

would it?

Would it be so wrong to try to make him happy? Even if the love I felt for him was no more than a weak echo of what I was capable of, even if my heart was far away, would it be so very wrong?

the slightest idea

At night when the show is through and most people are asleep,
we travel the highways. Usually I sleep too, but some nights I sit
shotgun, rarely having the slightest idea where I am. You'd think
by now I'd know the lay of this great land, but I prefer the not
knowing. It's like I'm constantly stealing away, leaving the past
in some unknown city, leaning forward, hope stretching out on the
dark horizon. Yes, you can get lost out here, and sometimes I do.
In all honesty, this life I've chosen has stranded me more times
than I care to admit. But it's that push and pull; the moment
where all is forgotten and a stage is pure music. That's why
we do this. That's why my home is people, not places.

I feel bad for you

It's like one minute you're fine, and the next minute something happens that makes you think and then you're totally empty. The only thoughts that are in your head are negative and it makes you feel totally alone, like you don't mean anything to anyone. All you want to do is tell someone how you feel, but you don't want their pity, and even if you could tell someone, nothing would come out right. You don't want to laugh or smile, or whine, or argue, or even be stubborn or difficult, you just want to go to bed and cry and hope the feeling passes, and sometimes it does, but it always seems to come back. You think that all your friends hate you and only talk to you because they feel bad for you. You know complete strangers judge you just because of how you look and how you act, and when you think about how you're not as beautiful as the crowd that surrounds you, it makes you feel even worse. And of the two people that are supposed to love you the most in the world, one left you, and the other has to scream at you sometimes because they get angry and upset too. You feel like you will probably search your whole life for that one person that you can totally trust that you can love forever, who will never ever hurt you, but you know somewhere deep down that you'll probably never find him. He probably doesn't even exist, so you just give up, you want so desperately to be alone, but at the same time you fear it so much. You know how it feels to know that you're a bad person, to let your friends down and be selfish, isolated, self conscious, bitter, whiny, and obsessive. You listen to what everyone else has to say, but you never tell them how YOU feel, because that would mean revealing part of yourself, and you just can't do that; you can't let anyone really know you. And your opinion wouldn't matter to them anyway, and most of all if you took the time to sit down and try to get all your feelings out for the first time in your life, it would be completely overwhelming and if anyone ever listened to all of that, they would understand why you are the way you are.

Love Will Find You

It takes 3 seconds to say "I love you," 3 minutes to explain it, 3 hours to demonstrate it, 3 days to appreciate it, & a lifetime to prove it. The hardest part in loving is when you can only view the person you love from a distance & not being able to hold his hand, embrace him tight, & tell him how much you love him, because to him, you're only his friend. Watching you from a distance, afraid to get too close, hoping that you'd realize who loved you the most. But unless you open your eyes to the one who's always there, you'll never realize that I'm the one who cares. The test of true love is having all the things go wrong but still having a special way to love despite all the wrong things that may happen. Love isn't about becoming somebody else's "perfect person." Its about finding someone who helps you become the best person you can be. Love until it hurts, and when it hurts, love some more. And when it hurts some more, love even more, and when it hurts even more, love until it hurts no more. Love is the extremely difficult realization that someone other than oneself is real. You can't make someone love you. All you can do is be someone who can be loved. The rest is up to the person to realize your worth. Love is a commitment, not a feeling. Romance is not love. If I love you because you're beautiful, that's romance. But if you're beautiful because I love you, that's love. Never take love for granted because the best thing in this world is knowing that you are loved. So if you have someone special, hold that person close to your heart. We lose someone we love only when we are destined to find someone else who can love us more than we can. When we are in love, we often doubt that which we most believe. Love knows no reason, love knows no lies. Love defies all reasons, love has no eyes. But love is not blind, love sees but does not mind. What lips hide, the eyes reveal. People say "I love you" just for the sake of saying it, some just for pity, & some because they promised. When you think real hard, the people who find it so hard to say are usually the ones who mean it. Love is everything its cracked up to be. Its worth waiting for, worth being brave for, and you know what? If you don't risk anything, you risk even more. What is love? Those who don't like it call it a responsibility, those who play with it call it a game, those who don't have it call it a dream, those who love call it a destiny. In times of darkness, love sees. In times of silence, love hears. In times of doubt, love hopes. In times of sorrow, love heals. And in all times, love starts within yourself. Love is sometimes denied, sometimes lost, sometimes unrecognized. But in the end always found with no regrets, forever valued, kept and treasured. Whenever, wherever, if you are meant to be for each other, love will be there. You don't need to search for love, love will find you.

it is you

To those of you who have pushed me - thank you.
Without you I wouldn't have fallen.
To those of you who laughed at me - thank you.
Without you I wouldn't have cried.
To those of you who just couldn't love me - thank you.
Without you I wouldn't have known what real love is.
To those of you who hurt my feelings - thank you.
Without you I wouldn't have felt them.
To those of you who left me lonely - thank you.
Without you I wouldn't have discovered myself.
But it is to those of you who thought I couldn't do it,
It is to you I thank the most because without you
I never would have tried.

there must be.

I don’t have a fear of commitment- I have a fear of abandonment.
We all screw things up, I screw things up.
Especially with the people I love.
I get needy, I get moody, I get distant, I want to be too close.
I get confused; I don’t understand all of it.
But I keep pushing because I hope in this thing, the universe,
there’s no way I’m the only person out there who wants something this bad.
If I want it someone else out there must too.

really

There is really nothing you must be.
And there is nothing you must do.
There is nothing you must have.
And there is nothing you must become.
However it helps to understand that fire burns,
and when it rains the earth gets wet.

Beautiful People

The most beautiful people we have known are those
who have known defeat, known suffering, known
struggle, known loss, and have found their way out
of the depths. These persons have an appreciation,
a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills
them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern.

Beautiful people do not just happen.

My biggest fear.

My biggest fear? No, it's not spiders or snakes or even clowns. Although I do tend to have nightmares about them. But this fear is so much bigger. Bigger than me or you. The fear of leaving this world without affecting someone's life. Without leaving a memory of me somewhere on this earth. Yeah, that's what I’m afraid of.

I can't

I can't wait to lose you.
Dancing among my realm of dreams...
Shattered by my confines of reality...
Spinning dizzy until I can't decipher what's fantasy or real.
But for some reason as I see you dazed and lost...
I can't bear the thought of living without you.

It's theee

It's the loneliest feeling in the world; to find yourself standing up when everyone else is sitting down. To have everybody look at you and say, "What's the matter with her?" I know what it feels like. Walking down an empty street, listening to the sound of your own footsteps. Shutters closed, blinds drawn, doors locked against you. And you aren't sure whether you're walking toward something, or if you're just walking away.

it's undeniable

People are always telling me to smile, like smiling is going to take away all the hurt and all the pain... well I've tried that. I've tried hiding my sorrows and covering the sadness in my smile. And what I've learend is when it hurts this much inside, your heart always has a way of showing it, no matter how many masks you wear.

Missing

Leaking words into the crevices,
between
every second
of every blink
of all the things
we're missing

Waitinggg.

Rewriting fractured fairytales...
Waiting on happily ever after.

Don't fake it.

Do the right thing,
the right way,
for the right reasons,
if you can't
don't fake it.

all heart

The heart has a way of misleading the mind,
But sometimes you just need to listen with you heart.

Semantics

Assimilating,
restructuring,
revamping,
reinventing... rebound?
or distraction?
Sometimes its just a matter of semantics

Simple Things

We spend our time
chasing happiness,
dreams,
jobs,
goals,
striving for improvement,
yet simple things are hard to grasp,
like soap in a tub

i don't...

You wipe the tears from my eye
And you say that all that it takes is a phone call
I cry at the thought of being alone and then
I wonder how long it will take til I'm home again

I don't want anything more
Than to see your face when you open the door

If God...

If God answers your prayers, He's increasing your faith.

If God delays, He's increasing your patience.

If He doesn't answer, He knows you can handle it...

I still need redemption

Some wounds are still left to be healed
some scars are still cut open
Pain is still left somewhere inside
Mistakes are still committed
Lies are still manipulated into truth
Some losses still need redemption

for you

......I dont blame you for anything and I forgive you for everything.......

and I could feel these words are for me I dont have to blame you for anything.

You were right too and I was hurt too.... it wasnt your fault ...nobodys fault.

I understand your position ,you might had your reasons and I had mine....

.

.

.

though the wreckage and the loss is beyond any redemption

but still its ok...with time you learn to live with the scars and wounds

go onnn

I have lost my words
I have lost my thoughts
I have lost the control
heart sinks
pain rises
tears roll down
fears get faces
lies surround
life goes on....

please

You strung me along
Like a tease on prom night
Getting me loose but
Leaving me uptight
Please tell me that
Some of that love was true.

We Are

We're stronger than
Before the strain had broken us
And there is fight in us
I know

That it will take more than
A heavy rain
To silence us
When there's so much for us
I know

Clean Breaks

I believe in clean breaks, I keep the old troubles away

But you're making sure
I was lying when I said

"I can leave,
This behind"

I need you to ruin me
For this, finally,
'Cause it's burying me

Now, I'm in these old knots
Each move keeps me locked away

With each new embrace,
I have tied myself up.

More tightly,
Into you

Oh, but the more I fight
Then the deeper I'm trapped
And I can't break free of this hold that you have

And I crave you more
Under the heat of your touch
And I need your skin

To ruin me
For this wicked town
Where your ghosts are bound
To me

One last sacrifice
Of this ritual escape

I was lying when I said...
"I believe,
in clean breaks"

raindrops

Right now I want to go on a long drive in rain....

nestle down in a cozy seat

listening to soft melodies

forgetting all the sorrows

all the heartaches just disappearing for few moments

smiling

smiling with peace setting in my soul....

open

We are all just waiting for someone to save us.. someone to say they care enough to hold us up when we're falling down. Someone to wipe the tears from our eyes. Someone to notice us when we start to blend in.

You're one of the only things that keeps me strong throughout the day, that keeps me strong when the happiness starts to fade away..

No matter how hard we try to ignore it or try to deny it eventually the lies fall away, whether we like it or not. But here's the truth about the truth-- it hurts. So, we lie.
-Grey's Anatomy

I've learned that goodbyes will always hurt, pictures never replace having been there memories. Good or bad will bring tears and words can never replace feelings. But it's times like these when you have to tell yourself everything's alright.

Don't tell me how life is
Cause I really don't want to know
Don't tell me how this game ends
Cause we'll just see how it goes
3 Doors Down

p e a c e

peaceful for some time just feel safe secure
without any nightmares
no racing heartbeats
no chases
no fears
no shivering
no longing
just peace....

fearrr

there is a sadness in her smile...not the one which was always there but something different this time
there is fear behind her talks
fear of unknown
fear of knowing.....and knowing the reality as much as it can choke and make you go numb after feeling it...
We share souls
Its the fear of fallbacks
tears of longing...


Life is a bittersweet...forcing to accept the present
giving the orders "stay strong or I will crush you..."
Its insanely perfect
everything will be ok..
It will but
the hurt will be there....You can stay strong,be alive,fulfill all your responsibilities but you can't help feel sadness in times of silence..
when there will be darkness of night...
moon will be shining its white light...
and thoughts will set in...
nights when you will be confused
whether to feel happy for the memories
or to have the feeling of missing

Missing will win most of the time
thats the biggest fear..

I am breaking into you

And I feel the pain behind your words
You might have been choosing them in a way not to hurt
and you beautifully hide behind your facade
I know it has been learned over the years
but I see the cracks in it..
I know I am breaking into you
You do continue with your regular talks
and all those little ways of telling how your days have been
but behind it
there are uncertainties
millions of black insecurities
bleak subtle emotions to be taken care of
darkness of fears
but I am breaking through into it
I promise to shine light there
and pull out the real you..

yepp

It's not that I'm afraid anymore- I'm not. It's just that I'm skeptical. I'm skeptical that things are going to be normal again.

Every single person has at least one secret that would break your heart.
-postsecret

But today I'm not so strong,
So lay me down with a sad song,
And when it stops then you know I've been,
Gone too long
....
But don't shake me awake,
Don't bend me or I will break,
Come find me somewhere between my dreams,
With the sun on my face
....
I will still feel it later on,
But for now I'd rather be asleep
-Norah Jones

It's funny how random things can trigger a person to tears. I guess you learn to watch for your own warnings- anything from a speeding car, to reminders of death. We all have our limits. There's always that one thing that makes you want to cry, and it's always that one thing that you can't avoid.

I will sleep another day
I don't really need to anyways
What's the point when my dreams are infected
with words you used to say
-The Spill Canvas

soul

Hang out my window and over your head
Stare at your feelings to see where they end
Youre waiting here for someone else to
break you from the inside
Youve been so composed

We all know theres always something tearing you apart
Its always so much longer than you counted on
And it hits you so much harder then you thought
But you dont worry, you dont worry
Cause youve got soul

Youre so heavy, youre so misunderstood
And I spent all my wishes wishing times were good
When I still could
Wait around here for someone else to take me past the good side
Youve been here so longer

We all know theres always something tearing you apart
Its always so much longer than you counted on
And it hits you so much harder then you thought
But you dont worry, you dont worry
Cause darling, youve got so much soul
Darling, youve got so much soul

hollowness

and there are times when you have thought about something so much that there is nothing left to feel for it..you just stare in the hollowness and feel that it exists..it exists very prominently in your life no matter how many smiles you fake,no matter how many tears you hide,no matter how many words you bury away..it exists right there clinging to you like a shadow never leaving never fading...wherever you go wherever you hide away..it exists with you..lingering with you right there..like you are haunted by the demon for your rest of your life..like fear rests in nook and corners of our minds..like the voice in your head..it exists..it camoflauges itself in anger,hatred,pain,hurt,sadness etc but in one form or another it stays there...I dont believe that ignoring it ends it..its like by ignoring it you try to stop for a while and take a breath and then again continue feeling the hollowness

powerless

I'll tell you flat out

It hurts so much to think of this

So from my thoughts I will exclude

The very thing that I hate more than everything is

The way I'm powerless

To dictate my own moods

does it ever end?

I want to know where its all going to lead
will there be any end that will prove it was all worthwhile?

I have questions which have bitter truths as answers
and sometimes we just need to block out the things which trigger us to breakdown

you can't

and one day you are going to be sorry for it
but I am also sure of one thing that the sorry will be for your own self you will never realize what you did to me...
victimize me
hurt me
bruise me
break me
bend me
tear me apart
but in spite of this all you cannot turn me into what you are
you can't even possibly reach to my soul

so true

A passage from "My friend Leonard"-James Frey

I believe that pain and suffering are different things.Pain is a feeling.Suffering is the effect that pain inflicts.If one can endure pain,one can live without suffering.If one can learn to withstand pain,one can withstand anything.If one can learn to control pain,one can learn to control oneself.I have lived a life without control.I have spent twenty-three years destroying myself and everything and everyone around me and I don't want to live that way anymore.I take the pain so that I will never suffer.I take the pain to experience control.

bid you farewell

Never gone from me
If there's one thing I believe (I believe)
I will see you somewhere down the road again

so here i am to bid you farewell

hoping that you reach the light at the end of the tunnel

and get all the redemptions you hoped for

here I will be always and forever praying for your safety

and knowing that distances wont create much difference

million little pieces

Give me something good, I'll destroy it.
Love me, I'll destroy you.
I have never felt deserving of anything in my life. I have never felt as if I were worth the diseased space I occupy.This feeling has inhabited everything I've ever done,seen or had anything do with, and it has infected every relationship I have ever had with everyone I've ever known.

wish i could fake it

Well now I found myself
Wish I was someone else
My hands are stained with love
Wish I could take it away
I hid behind the shell
In time the pain will melt
My heart is stained with love
Wish I could fake it

I gave my life away
There’s nothing left to say
I gave my life away
You take it in your way

You take it in your way

My selfish enemy
Still has the best of me
Empty and feeling numb
Wish I could take it away
I can’t control the need
To weak to not concede
Wish I was deaf and dumb
Wish I could fake it

you win

Its hard to win the battle with your own self
only if I could tear open myself and show you so how it feels being under my skin
how it feels to be a split being
If I make it hard for you it is even harder for myself
It is harder to be what you never imagined to be
sometimes you aren't as strong as you look like
sometimes you are as frail as nobody could ever think
sometimes you win all the battles with the world but lose the one with your own being





I have let my selfish enemy residing in me...win

love the picture

I can't find a wall to pin this to
They're all coming down since I found you
I just want to be where you are tonight I run in the dark looking for some light
And how will we know if we just don't try
We won't ever know

Let me light up the sky
Light it up for you
Let me tell you why
I would die for you
Let me light up the sky
Light it up for you
Let me make this mine
I'll ignite for you

Let me light up the sky
Just for you tonight
Let me help you fly Cause you won't have time To cover your eyes Or get your disguise They won't ask you why And just watch you die

And it's still so hard
To be who you are
So you play this part
And the show goes on
But you come this far With a broken heart Yeah you come this far And you're broken

Let me light up the sky
Light it up for you
Let me tell you why I would die for you
Let me light up the sky (Let me light up the sky)
Light it up for you (Light it up for you)
Let me make this mine (Let me make this mine)
I'll ignite for you (I'll ignite for you)
yellowcard-light up the sky

Won't you spare me?

In your life you seem to have it all
You seem to have control
But deep within your soul
You're losing it
You never took the time
Assume that you're the blame
You think that you're insane
Won't you spare me

lost

I don't know how long this will last
But I will keep on pushing
I've got to make all the time that has passed
Turn into reasons to get me through it

Stand Up

Relations are sometimes like a heavy fragile burden
We need to place them on a side and just sit,watch and let them grow naturally
But most of the time we are just too desperate to carry the burden that we stumble and relations fall...they simply break and fall apart..

Life is so messy
the problems stay always
We just keep on trying different ways to cope up with this thing called life.

HaPpY bIrThDaY cAlEb

I’m wishing you another year
Of laughter, joy and fun,
Surprises, love and happiness,
And when your birthday’s done,I hope you feel deep in your heart,
As your birthdays come and go,
How very much you mean to me,
More than you can know.

don't

Imagine a world without goodbyes.

These cuts are leaving creases.

Trace the scars, to fit the pieces,

to tell your story, you don't need to say a word.

dead end

Far away,
What was deemed to never change,
Found a rift,
Made a void at its own pace.

In a blindside ambush fight,
It all fell
At the hands
Of a mind game.

And i don't mind,
And i don't mind
To look inside your thoughts..

And i don't mind,
And i don't mind,
But i can't find my way in…

Frozen in time,
And only you and i can see the
Warning signs
Through thousands upon
Thousands of honest lines,
Dry your eyes…

Black and white's
Not always simple
As it seems.
But i will try
To make it easy
On you.

And i will, and i will,
And i will set you free

how much?

Wish you told me all the truth

So afraid to face an absolute

All the fights you had to lose

All the fear was put upon you



I found you when you were broken

Too many cracks of deceit

I will give you all i have

Just look up, break down and believe



This is the feeling, falling

So much i want to say

Show me the same emotion

Show me what's at stake

How much can you take

When you realize your fate?



Hold me now as the car lights fade

And we are dancing in the glass parade



It's just a voice inside your head

sometimes

Sometimes the last thing you want comes in first
Sometimes the first thing you want never comes
But I know that waiting is all you can do
Sometimes

original

Trying not to hope too hard
For what I want
Trying not to go too far
With all the dreaming

All the disappointment
So hard to handle
I am still in the dark
Lighting candles

Late at night I ly awake
Think I should go
Catch a train to stranger towns
Where no one knows me